Hello!
So today has been a day of so many emotions. I have to be honest they are mostly negative ones, and this is not going to be enjoyable to write, but I have said this before and I am going to say it again this is meant to be me completely tackling my emotions to try and figure myself out. If I sugar coat things then it wont help me, because that is what I tend to do in real life when it comes to how I am feeling, and I don't think I am alone on this one. I tend to say Yeah I'm sad but don't worry it's okay, but it isn't okay, and here I can say that. I am using this as a platform to say the things that I don't address day to day, and you may think that is kinda stupid, that I can't address them in real life so I am making it public on the internet. Well maybe I am stupid, but so far this as helped so I am going to keep doing it for myself.
Anyway after that little disclaimer, here goes. Firstly I did not sleep that great again last night, I slept a little bit better than previously but I still woke up a few times throughout the night, So I didn't wake up this morning feeling particularly good anyway. I then found out that an old teacher of mine had past away, He was one of my favourites even though he hasn't taught me in almost four years, he was still a great teacher and influenced me a lot. He was a great man and an even better teacher, he taught me French and is mainly the reason that I can now study two languages at University. It was sad to read what other people had to say about him, former classmates of mine, and it brought me to tears. When you leave school you think that's it I'm done new start new life, and then something like this happens and kinda punches reality back into your face, I am sad that he will never teach another class again, but I feel blessed that he taught me and so many other students.
Secondly, after this news, I got freaked out, because when I found out that my old teacher had passed away it was like complete confusion I couldn't quite understand, he wasn't really old, and I was just a a bit shocked I guess.Anyway, This is going to be the first time I mention my Dad, and that is because it is very difficult for me to talk about him, mainly because when I do the guilt is too much for me to handle. So my mum and dad are divorced obviously, nothing bad, I was of an age where I understood that It had to happen and knew all of the reasoning behind it. But I am not going to go into all that. Anyway I don't see my dad that often now, and one reason behind that is because he is very ill, he has a brain tumour, its not cancerous, but it is still effecting his day to day life. So after I got this news about my old teacher naturally I kinda got sad and scared, so I text my dad, just to say hello and ask how he was. The response I got, are the usual responses I get now a days, more treatment, and a list of symptoms he has. I have to be honest, this completely breaks me, but for loads of reasons, and I feel guilty even thinking this, but after I get sad and think oh no I need to let him know that I am thinking of him and that he will be okay, I think why hasn't he asked how I am? This then just furthers my guilt, how can I be so selfish, he is going through all this and my second thought is myself? Safe to say I feel like a total bitch. However, I don't do anything about it, I don't tell him how I am, I just say what I think is best, that I hope he fees better soon and for him to let me know how is treatment goes next week. But I get no reply back, and the worst part is my doubting mind thinks I wont get a reply, until I reach out to him again.
There are so many things in life that we are going to look back on and regret, things that should of been said but weren't but the truth is how do you know when you are making the wrong decision. I don't know what will happen if I tell my Dad how I feel, I don't think it will make our relationship strong again, or just make it worse, I don't know when the right time is to take leaps of faith, to just dive into the unknown and hope for the best. I always think that I am just putting the best interests of other people above mine, but what if I'm not, What If I am just running away because I am scared to know the truth, just in case it's worse than not knowing.
This is not the last time I am going to have a day like this, they happen more often that I would like, and there is probably a million different solutions and things don't have to be as difficult as they are, but sometimes we just have to roll with it, and take it step by step. Just because I have some....issues...doesn't mean that it stops me from carrying on, the fact that I do and that I continue to try and be positive everyday just proves to me that a few bad days don't make a bad life, its only just the start.
Here's the song for today,
Till tomorrow.
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