Hello there!
I am actually getting a bit excited now for moving out, of course I am still nervous and scared of being lonely, but I have been messaging my friends who I am moving in with and it is just nice to talk to them and kind of have a sigh of relief that they are nice people and this year is going to be better than last.
I am still thinking that things will go wrong, but most of me is now thinking of al the things I can do and all the good things that can happen! Which I am really proud of. Take today for example it has been a hectic day of finding everything, all my clothes that I am going to take, and washing it ready to pack. I had a few tough decisions to make, like which DVD's I can fit in my bag, yeah that was really tough! But despite the hecticness and the little things going wrong, and the planning of money and what not, me and my mum were having a laugh and just getting on! This kinda shows that despite the little worries that eat away at my brain, that is all they are little worries, in the grand scheme of things they don,'t matter. I have one major goal for this year and that is to live, and experience things. Okay I am not going to go bungee jumping or climb a mountain, but I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and work hard.
This all sounds like cliché nonsense when I write it out, but I am being honest this is what I want, I spent the longest time regretting my first year of Uni, the opportunities I missed the friends that I didn't make. So I am telling myself now that I am not going to let this happen. Of course I am not going to be a party animal, I am not going to get drunk every night to get a thrill that isn't what I mean, I just want to say yes to more. Join more societies and actually go without anyone judging me for doing what makes me happy. If I want to stay in and binge watch YouTube, if I want to go out to a club, or if I just want to study really hard, I can because I make my own decisions for me. I am going to try and stop feeling guilty about the things I say, or the way I am, because like I said yesterday all I ever try to be is a nice human being, so if people don't like me then that is there loss!
I have said this before and I will say it again, for the longest time I was letting somebody always take control of my life, because I was scared of making my own choices, and being at fault, letting people down and feeling that guilt that fills me up. I need to start taking control and not be scared to mess up, because that is just a part of life and inevitably I will probably be proud of myself for messing up because I taught myself something. Again this is sounding like a really bad cliche but maybe that is what this world needs, I know that I can and frequently am a cynical person, and its hard to be anything other than that when we look at the world today, but maybe if we focus on the little things, and build up we can just be happy. Stress is not worth it, and it is beatable. Anxiety is not worth it and it is beatable. Depression is not worth it and it is beatable. I hope I can be living proof of that, because I am still going, I can see the silver lining, I can calm my self down, and I can tell myself to get a grip. I am not saying I am cured, I still have my bad days, but the truth is I didn't need a doctor, or councillor or boyfriend to save me and tell me how I should live my life, I just needed to figure things out for myself, and think for myself.
So here goes. Tomorrow will be a hectic day of packing and checking things off a list, but on Wednesday I will be moving out of my family home and moving in to my new house, and starting again. I am going to try so hard to make it worth it. That is a promise. I am sorry that this is very cheesy, and I don't even know if it will make sense to anyone, but I need a little cheese in my life! I love cheese (metaphorically and physically) so just get over it and enjoy this song :)
Till tomorrow.
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