Positively Rambling!

Hello!

Today I am feeling a little less motivated that yesterday, but I am still in a mostly positive mood. I have been less productive today, it is a Sunday after all who does anything on a Sunday. Despite being in a positive mood about where my life is going, in terms of education and a job in the future. I want to keep thinking this way, keep motivating myself to work hard and make myself proud. However I still have that looming doubt over my head, which is stopping me from fully believing in myself and what I can do. 

This is also coupled with the fact that I am constantly putting myself down, mostly in terms of appearance. I hate this so much and it has been annoying me even more lately, because I have been trying not to moan or complain too much to those around me it seems to have gotten louder in my head. Its safe to say that when it comes to appearance there is not a lot I like about myself, and it makes me really sad. I am into fashion, daily I am looking on clothing websites and look at things I would love to own and wear. However I then list all of my flaws that would stop me from wearing an outfit like that. I am not happy with my body shape, but again this is my fault, too much chocolate not enough exercise. It seems that no matter how much I try or say that I want to change I still don't really have the motivation to do it, when my motivation should be fitting into smaller jeans or buying that dress I've always wanted...but nothing seems to push me quite enough. 

Obviously there is something pretty huge now, my brothers wedding, I don't want to look like a crap bridesmaid. So maybe this is the fear I need, the fear of having to wear a dress in front of loads of people plus my brothers (who will probably mock me), maybe that fear will drive me to lose some weight. 

The thing is when I think about why I maybe haven't had the motivation to lose weight in the past I turn a bit sassy, because I think why should I, I shouldn't have to lose weight in order to feel good about myself, I should just learn to love me as I am now, but I am that annoying person that can't do either. And whose to say that losing weight would help me, I would still find flaws with myself daily, I would probably still cover up practically everything, because I think I can't 'Pull it off'.' 

I am so conflicted with this because the thought of looking in a mirror and liking most of my body seems so unnatural to me, so I can't say losing weight will help, but at the end of the day I am probably still going to diet, and find some way to exercise. I have genuinely been researching into becoming a pescatarian though, but that is mostly for other reasons, but I guess that would help me lose weight maybe? 

Wow, I don't even know if I am making sense to myself, no matter what I am still trying to have a positive outlook and not to dwell on bad thoughts when and if I get them. Like I said yesterday things will not change over night, but I am just trying so so hard to just remain in a good mood, and some days it is difficult to smile and participate in conversation, but I do anyway, because just because I may be having these thoughts in my head doesn't mean that I should take that out on the world. 

Sorry this hasn't been very coherent...but these are the things going on in my head at the moment! 

Here's the song for today anyway enjoy :) 

Till tomorrow.