Hello there!
Reality that in three days I will be moving back out and left to my own devices again in 4 days is hitting me hard. Obviously I have known for a while and I hate that I am getting so scared over something that I have done before. As I have mentioned before my first year of university wasn't the best and in hindsight this second year should be magnitudes better because I have chosen who I want to live with and I am feeling in a better place emotionally, I feel like I can be a lot more organised and structured when it comes to money and my work load. So I should be over the moon and have a really positive outlook on it but still the fear of going back to that life, because what I experienced of it last year wasn't amazing, far from it, it was extremely difficult and stressful, so it is hard to escape that frame of mind.
There are lots of thoughts going through my mind, negative ones of what can go wrong, I am worried about the work load, and leaving my family and friends again. The work is going to be a lot harder, and I am determined to be more focused on my work and not get distracted too much (except for doctor who that is a perfectly acceptable distraction) but I know it is going to be harder, I am worried that I don't really remember anything and I am going to make a fool out of myself.
Packing is stressful too, if you have ever moved out you will know that no matter how much you think you have organised, how many lists you've made, packing is just a stressful process. You have to make sure you have everything, but not over pack, and you have to make sure you check, and double checked that you haven't forget anything. I haven't started packing yet, me and my mum will probably start small tomorrow, just finding stuff and getting it all together, the thought of this is daunting because it is up to me, and I worry that I will get on my mums nerves if I am indecisive or if I haven't thought properly of what I need to take with me...but I think I have thought of most things...I think.
See I hate this!! I constantly do it and it is annoying me but I doubt everything I do, or second guess myself...grrrr!!
Anyway there are positives to all this it will be nice to move in with people I like and get on with, I just hope that we will get on living together but I can't see why we wont. Also it will be good to have a proper routine again, I have missed that, because this summer I haven't really had a purpose to get up and do stuff, which is not fun. I am excited for my new classes, hopefully they are interesting and that I like them, but I am going in positive! Also one of my brothers recently moved to a town that is only a 20 minute train ride away, so I am hoping that I can see more of him!
All I can do is keep thinking about these positive outcomes that follow me moving out, think about the bigger picture of it all and hopefully these will outweigh my little doubts and insecurities, which in four days will be over and probably replaced with other worries, but I have to keep thinking of the bigger picture and try to blur out these doubts.
I am not going to lie because I am scared and I am stressed, but it is not the end of the world, I know it seems so tedious and selfish of me to be moaning and complaining because I can have a good education and a roof over my head, and in the grand scheme of the world I live in luxury so my I shouldn't make a fuss. However we are all human, and we all have our different problems of all different sizes, and sometimes its just nice to have faith that you have someone out there that will listen, so that you don't beat yourself up inside your mind, because if I had continued to do that and not open myself up to anyone I would of been a lot worse.
Here is the song for today....
If you have a worry that is nagging at you, and it wont go away, don't let it rule your thoughts and let it out even if its small, write it down, tell someone, anyone, just make it a physical thing that you can cast out of your mind.
Have a peaceful night
Till tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment