Hello there!
I have been in a pretty good mood the past few days which is good, I am worrying a lot less about going back to university, I mean I still think it is going to be very tough but nonetheless I am starting to see a bigger picture of where I want my life to go. Which is keeping me focused.
I know that in the majority of life we are told to not think too much about the future and live in the now, but when you are a student who doesn't really know how to be anything but in education its hard not to worry where my life is going to go when I have to actually have to start a career. I don't believe that thinking about the future is a bad thing, especially at my age, as long as I am thinking positively I think it is a very healthy thing to do. This is what I have been trying to do I haven't been creating a blue print of my life and bullet pointing every step, I have been actually logically thinking what I want to achieve in this next year. Tangible things that I can push my self to achieve. These goals are anything from improving my writing, or doing an internship. They are the types of goals that last year I would of never of thought of because I wasn't willing to push myself and put myself out of my comfort zone in order to achieve more.
This year is not going to be easy, there is going to be stress, work, more stress and more work, but I am not willing to just lie down and let myself panic and run away from things. I know that I am going to have days where I want to lay down and do nothing, that is a given, but I also want days where I am productive, so I can be proud of myself and say you know what Keeley you aren't that bad after all!
Geez, I know I am sounding like a really cheesy sports motivator, but the truth is this is what I want to sound like I want to be overly optimistic because I am fed up of just feeling like I am pretty much crap at everything and just not worth the effort. No one should ever feel like that, and it pains me to admit that this is how I feel about myself. However I am also glad that I am not lying to myself any more I can admit to myself that I feel pretty crap about my abilities and about how I conduct life, and that is the first step to changing it. I want to experience more of life, but also not feel guilty about just doing what really makes me happy, like pigging out on chocolate with a good film and a blanket!
Things are not going to change over night, but I have proven to myself in the last couple of weeks that although there is panic and stress I can organise aspects of my life and I can still look forward to the future. It sounds silly, but the scariest thing to me is having control over my own life, there is no one telling me how I should live my life, no one that is guiding me through it, I make my own choices, and I am responsible for myself. That is the scariest and best thing that I have ever realised. I always knew it of course, but it always seemed like there was someone else I could blame, or someone else I could ask which path I should take. I am not going to do that any longer, from now on I will tell myself and every one else what I am doing and take responsibility for my own actions.
My ultimate goal in life is to be happy and to hopefully make the people around me happy too, friends, family and who ever else comes in and out of my life.
I just hope that I can keep myself motivated and positive. I will not let my thoughts defeat me and make me feel like I am worthless. Because lets face it, I am actually not that bad...
The song for today is this...
Till tomorrow,
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