Hello there!
Today has been a pretty good day...Mostly. Although I have spent all day in my pyjamas (which is pretty much what I have been doing all summer I have been pretty productive which I am proud of myself for. So I consider myself a pretty organised person, maybe sometimes I am over cautious but it is better to be prepared!
So because I feel happy that I actually did something worth while today I thought I would ramble about it so here goes.
So the first productive thing I did today was make a packing list, moving back to university is becoming very imminent now and when it comes to packing next week I don't want to be stressing or forgetting anything I need because its not like I can just pop home to get it. So last year when I was first moving out it was a lot different because I had to completely buy everything new, I definitely had too much stuff and it was all a bit new and exciting. This year is very different, I have to be very concise with what I take as I will be going on the train and carrying it all with my mum, and also I will be buying stuff as and when I need it after I move in. I don;t go into crazy detail with the lists I make they aren't particularly neat or pretty (they are quite the opposite as you can see below) but if you write something down it is so much more cemented and I have a thing where if I can physically tick things off a list it reassures me so much more than if I were to just do everything mentally, which most people do. This may sound like a thing to be proud of, but to actually sit there with my notebook and pen thinking and thoughtfully planning something made me feel like I was getting somewhere and that I was like mentally packing all my stuff so that when it comes to next week I can just organise everything and be happy with myself that I was prepared and not a stressful mess.
oh geez, can you tell I like to organise yet? I sound like such a nerd..
Anyway Like I said I was feeling pretty motivated today and thought I would organise the files on my laptop, because I hasn't really organised any of my uni work from last year and basically my files were a mess. While I was doing that I was looking through some vocab lists I made and noticed they were a bit messy and just not good, so I thought I am going to re-make these spreadsheets ready for when I go back, because lets face it I need to remember most of what I learned last year because I haven't looked at a Greek or Latin word all summer, unless you count harry potter spells...(which I totally do.) So I got all my work together and started to make a spreadsheet and did that for the majority of the day. Plus watching YouTube and listening to music of course, But yeah I was proud that I sat there and did it and it was a bit tedious and time consuming, but it made me feel like I was taking steps to get back into the working mindset. I am going to continue doing this probably most of the week as well as starting some of my reading list.
However, the theme with me, you can't have a good day without at least something making you feel a little off. So I am regularly on social media, twitter, Facebook and instagram. When me and my ex broke up he was wiped from all of them, I couldn't see what he was posting on Facebook, the only reminder I had of him were memories and my mum who has a way of putting him into the conversation/ Nonetheless I didn't have to feel bad or self concious about what I posted, because I didn't want it to become this childish thing of posting just to spite your ex (which I am sure we are all tempted to do myself included) BUT, he follows me on instagram, which is probably the worst social media I want him to follow me on because Instagram is the shallow social media, posting pictures of yourself and things you want to capture. So he posted a photo, and I was on it scrolling through the YouTubers and friends I have and saw it, and it's hard to describe how I felt, it was a mix of shock and slight panic, I had forgotten he even had an instagram account let alone posted on it, so I clicked his image and his profile (sue me we all do it) and then noticed he only had two followers, so he must of known that I would of seen the photo which made me feel kinda sick, Like what was he doing, did he just want to start using instagram more? or is he just doing it with the knowledge that I will see it? I really hope that its the former, because although we didn't part in the best of circumstances I don't want to think that he would be so childish I guess. After I did this I sort of panicked because I thought I post all the time on instagram all the time, random pictures of me, my cats, food the whole shebang basically. so now I am constantly worrying that he definitely sees them, and has seen all of my photos and that is the reason he posted a photo of himself, because he may think that I post photos for the purpose of him seeing them. God I know I am over thinking this way too much but before I didn't really think I just thought it was fun, but now I don;t want him judging me or thinking that I am doing this to spite him or I don't even know I am just confused!! It seems like when I start thinking I can be happy on my own and free there is a constant reminder that he is there, looming, and I am trying so hard to just not think about it.
Wow that was long, yeah sorry that was so long. I know that I can be happy on my own, I proved that today I can keep myself motivated, and I can make myself proud, even if it is on a small scale. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had written a list of goals, here is a little snap of it, yes its cheesy and messy but its a physical reminder of some of the things that I want to try and do in the following year.
Anyway here is my song for today, this is especially great for when I am feeling like I need a reminder of why my relationship ended in the first place! enjoy!
Till tomorrow.
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