Never Stopping!

Hello there!!

I have literally not stopped. As you can imagine the first weeks of university are hectic and you are being handed everything and are just expected to be able to do it all with out complaint. I am slowly getting there though. The work is hard and I have had a few moments where I have just wanted to scream and give up. But I haven't I have carried on and actually spoken to people when I feel upset or feel like the weight of the world is too much.

I have actually put myself out there this year and I am doing things that I would of never believed I have the courage to do. Firstly I am volunteering for a children's charity, This on its own was enough to make me happy, but I have also been asked to help out with Media marketing, working with Twitter and helping out with press releases. I even get the opportunity to be a part of the committee. I am just so excited, the people who work there are just lovely people who work so hard and I hope that I can help them out even if it is in a small way. I just cant wait to get started I get to work on a Press Release next month, and this just feel like the start of great things, I am going to get so much experience through this and meet people, and get to do some good. Its pretty perfect. 

The other Big thing that I have done to put myself out there and to get out of my comfort zone is that I have signed up with my friend to do a radio show, for the university Radio. As  you know by now I love music and I am so nervous and excited, we do our début show on Saturday, I am going to mess up, and there are going to be nerves and everything but it is so exciting that I don't care!! 

I still worry about absolutely everything, and have been getting upset more frequently lately, but I am also happy, being me and getting out there, talking to new people experiencing new things. I am not going to give up because that would be pointless If times get a little stressed and difficult I am going to Woman up and power through. Things are hard, and you are not going to like everything that happens, you are going to get angry, cry and just want to lock the world away. But the truth is we all do because life does that to us it backs us into a corner until we submit, but we don't have to we can push it out of the way ans say HEY this is the way I want things to go and I am going to make it happen. I am fed up of regretting 90% of the choices I make. So I am going to make those decisions for me and be happy about it!!

Here is the song for today!! Enjoy!

Till the next time!! 

Tough but Good times ahead.

Hello There!

I am still in a relatively good mood, and am excited about future prospects I have. However this doesn't mean that I will be in a good mood everyday. Tomorrow my classes start and I am not going to lie I am so scared. I have spent the past few months being down on myself, not being very motivated not being productive, and now tomorrow I just have to fall back into that same old routine.

I should never have fallen out of the routine in the first place, which I feel really guilty about that, because I shouldn't be this freaked out because I have done it all before. I guess I just feel a bit pathetic. Nonetheless I am trying so hard to keep thinking to myself that I can do this and that I am prepared to do these things. I guess its just daunting because it is the first week and I just have to fall back into it. Even though that may be a little difficult at first I am sure that I can get through it. 

There are lots of different worries floating around in the back of my mind, but like I said yesterday I am happier that I have been in a while, I am starting to worry more about the things that effect me day to day, rather than thinking too far ahead and panicking about things that I really have no control over. I know that this all sounds very cheesy, I am just trying so hard to keep this up and not let the stupid little things get in the way of me being happy. 

I still doubt myself sometimes, and I am pretty sure I have already pissed of my house mates a couple of times by saying negative things about myself. But I am gonna keep trying to work on those things. I am proud that I can try and help myself and open myself up. Things don't change overnight but I have already come so far in a week, who knows where I will be in a month or a year. But I just hope I remain happy and positive and try to put myself first. 

Sorry that this was short post but I didn't want to overload this just yet as there is lots and lots more to come! Here is the song for today,

Till tomorrow

HK. 

I am still Alive!

Hello There!!

So this week has been big and busy, but it has been a week to be proud of and I a proud of myself for this week. My posts will go back to being more regular because I am settled and have done all the hectic things which I am going to be talking about today!

So as you can hopefully tell I am in a very good mood because compared to last year I have thrown myself into everything and really tried to be active and put myself out there. Which at first was scary and still felt a bit anxious with speaking to new people but because I live with two lovely people who are my friends it is so much easier knowing that I have people in the same situation as me so they are happy to come along with things with me and visa versa. 

This week has been filled with freshers events, last year I did not engage at all I went to a few societies but I didn't really engage with anything, and like I said in previous posts I really wanted to change that this year be more positive about what I can do and just do it. This week has really proved to me that although I have ups and downs and obstacles to overcome in the grand scheme of things those obstacles can be dealt with and will not impact your life in such a dramatic way.

I have signed up to work with my University Radio station, which hopefully I can have a really active role with that because that excites me a lot. I also am already doing charity work,  I am helping a charity do some research, which is a bit daunting but it is keeping me busy, and I am also going to a session of swing dancing, which is something I thought I would never say but I love dancing, I used to do ballet, tap and modern and I just really need something that is exercise but its fun too, so I am going to try that and see how it goes! 

This week has been hectic busy, but it has been the most happy and productive I have been in a while and I just hope it gets better and better, Yes I am still scared and yes I am still worrying, but it is getting a lot easier to push those worries aside and focus on the bigger picture, Its after weeks like this that we can step back and say you know what maybe I can actually succeed, and I can do this or that. I am trying so hard not to doubt myself any more and keep positive I just hope I can keep it up.

The song for today is this :) enjoy. 

Till tomorrow. 

HK. 

I have Moved!

Hello there!

I am back and I have finally moved in to my new house and I am settled in, nearly. It is a great place and I hope I will be very happy here. It is simple inside but it has everything that I need and I just need to get a few more bits and bobs to make it look more like my home. But that shouldn't take too long.

My new bed! (Needs some cushions I think)

My desk!

I have made my mark in the living room I don't travel anywhere without them!

Safe to say that I am scared as fuck. I mean so the moving part is over but now I have to wait a week before lessons start, so basically I have a week to prepare and get myself motivated to start work  again! Also it is a lot of pressure, because I have built this up for so long and said to myself I am going to change and I am going to do things differently. But what if I just screw up again and not get it right. I know that I am over-thinking things again and worrying about things that I shouldn't be but that is just what I do!

I do have some idea of what I want to do all week but I think I am going to make an extensive list of practical things to do this week that will actually help me out for when I start lectures and lessons. Instead of just using this week as an extra reason to slob. I happy with my diet plan though, I say diet plan  its kind of a detox kind of a transition into being a pescatarian, which I am really optimistic about and think I can do!

I am going tot try and immerse myself into university life and also stay in contact with all the people that matter to me! including making new friends too hopefully. I am starting to feel a little more lonely but I think is just my brain panicking and trying to say look you need someone! But I am going to try do this on my own! (eek)

sorry this was a short post but I am back now! And here is the song for today :)

Till tomorrow! 

The Official End of My Summer.

Hello there! 

Well today has been stressful and hectic to say the least But the majority of my stuff is all packed, there are still bits and bobs we have to sort out in the morning before we get on the train. but its all pretty much packed and ready. Like yesterday though, despite the stress and issues we have been getting on with it with smiles on our faces

Of course I still have this sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach that everything is going to fuck up and everything will be a disaster...but I am trying so hard to avoid it and remain calm and think positive and just keep plodding on!

So it is safe to say that tomorrow is going to be stressful with a lot of travelling and lugging around bags, but like I said yesterday I am starting to feel a little less scared and more optimistic about moving in to my new place. The people who I am going to be living with are awesome and I think we are going to get on really well. I just hope I am not a nightmare to live with which I don't think I am but you never know. There are still a lot of worries I have, money being the main one at the moment. The issue being I have none yet so I am going to be struggling for a week and a bit. However this is nothing I am not used to I am good at planning money, well I try to be so I think I will be okay. Again I am trying to remain optimistic. What worries me more than money is probably me not stressing and panicing,, because I don;t want to piss my mum off and have an argument with her. Because it just isn't helpful so that is probably the main reason I am trying to bury all my worries and not let the bother me too much because I don't want to stress or panic my mum....so yeah you could say I am worrying about worrying...Good one Keeley. 

Anyway keeping in the positive spirit I am excited to get a new room, and when I get some money I am going to go on an etsy shopping spree and make it really pretty and a place that I want to be! So that is keeping me excited. I have also said previously and it sounds nerdy of me, but I am excited to get back to work, and I have already started thinking about how next week I can organise my work and get back into the swing of things which I can't wait for, because I need a routine back, I know sitting down all day on YouTube or watching TV sounds great but it really isn't great when that is all you are doing it is much better when it is a treat away from all the work. Which reminds me Doctor who starts in 4 days and I am so not prepared for that!

It is safe to say that I probably wont write a new post for a few days after I get settled and sort some stuff out, but my next post will hopefully a positive one in my brand new house, ready for my second year of university!

Till then enjoy this song! (very nostalgic) 

I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive.

Hello there!

I am actually getting a bit excited now for moving out, of course I am still nervous and scared of being lonely, but I have been messaging my friends who I am moving in with and it is just nice to talk to them and kind of have a sigh of relief that they are nice people and this year is going to be better than last. 

I am still thinking that things will go wrong, but most of me is now thinking of al the things I can do and all the good things that can happen! Which I am really proud of. Take today for example it has been a hectic day of finding everything, all my clothes that I am going to take, and washing it ready to pack. I had a few tough decisions to make, like which DVD's I can fit in my bag, yeah that was really tough! But despite the hecticness and the little things going wrong, and the planning of money and what not, me and my mum were having a laugh and just getting on! This kinda shows that despite the little worries that eat away at my brain, that is all they are little worries, in the grand scheme of things they don,'t matter. I have one major goal for this year and that is to live, and experience things. Okay I am not going to go bungee jumping or climb a mountain, but I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and work hard. 

This all sounds like cliché nonsense when I write it out, but I am being honest this is what I want, I spent the longest time regretting my first year of Uni, the opportunities I missed the friends that I didn't make. So I am telling myself now that I am not going to let this happen. Of course I am not going to be a party animal, I am not going to get drunk every night to get a thrill that isn't what I mean, I just want to say yes to more. Join more societies and actually go without anyone judging me for doing what makes me happy. If I want to stay in and binge watch YouTube, if I want to go out to a club, or if I just want to study really hard, I can because I make my own decisions for me. I am going to try and stop feeling guilty about the things I say, or the way I am, because like I said yesterday all I ever try to be is a nice human being, so if people don't like me then that is there loss! 

I have said this before and I will say it again, for the longest time I was letting somebody always take control of my life, because I was scared of making my own choices, and being at fault, letting people down and feeling that guilt that fills me up. I need to start taking control and not be scared to mess up, because that is just a part of life and inevitably I will probably be proud of myself for messing up because I taught myself something. Again this is sounding like a really bad cliche but maybe that is what this world needs, I know that I can and frequently am a cynical person, and its hard to be anything other than that when we look at the world today, but maybe if we focus on the little things, and build up we can just be happy. Stress is not worth it, and it is beatable. Anxiety is not worth it and it is beatable. Depression is not worth it and it is beatable. I hope I can be living proof of that, because I am still going, I can see the silver lining, I can calm my self down, and I can tell myself to get a grip. I am not saying I am cured, I still have my bad days, but the truth is I didn't need a doctor, or councillor or boyfriend to save me and tell me how I should live my life, I just needed to figure things out for myself, and think for myself. 

So here goes. Tomorrow will be a hectic day of packing and checking things off a list, but on Wednesday I will be moving out of my family home and moving in to my new house, and starting again. I am going to try so hard to make it worth it. That is a promise. I am sorry that this is very cheesy, and I don't even know if it will make sense to anyone, but I need a little cheese in my life! I love cheese (metaphorically and physically) so just get over it and enjoy this song :) 

Till tomorrow. 

I don't want to lose my faith in humanity

Hello there!

so today this post was originally going to be a happy post because I got a lot done today in terms of getting things prepared to pack and move out, and I have been laughing all day with my mum about silly things and it has just been a day where even though things aren't going extremely to plan and there are a lot of things to be negative about we weren't and just got on with it with a smile on our faces. However my mood was changed at ten o'clock this evening as I watched the news like I do every other day, and the same thing happens I get annoyed. See I am one of those people who has strong opinions and gets passionate and angry about something, but I am too scared to say anything because I also consider myself to be a nice human being so I am scared to offend anyone because I don't know everything I don't have all the facts lined up on a sheet of paper and have made the right calculations to get to my opinion. I am just another human being living on this earth that most of the time doesn't like the way we treat each other.

So before I go off on my rant I just want anyone to read this to be aware of that, I am just me, I don't know statistics, or know every single fact that there is to know, all I know is what I have seen,heard read and how I feel about it.  I have gotten anon hate on Tumblr before because I posted support for LGBTQ community, because I am a heterosexual it seemed that I could not sincerely support a cause that is close to me. So this makes me scared to voice my opinions, or feelings on big topics because I don't want to offend anyone, in actual fact I am trying to do the opposite I am trying to convince people that there are some decent humans left in the world. So anyway after that disclaimer I am still a little reluctant to write this but I am really disappointed in the world, and this blog is about me trying to figure myself out and be honest about how I am feeling, so here goes.

The headline of the news, as it's been for the last couple of weeks is the 'Syrian Refugee Crisis', there are millions of people trying to flee a conflict that has been going on for four years, where people have lost their homes, there sense of security and at worst their lives. The first thing I which annoyed me about the new I watched tonight (bearing in mind I live in the UK) is that on several occasions the broadcasters referred it to the refugees as migrants, and they are two separate things- A refugee is someone who has no other choice but to flee their home country, because of lets say a devastating conflict, a migrant chooses to leave their country to maybe find more opportunities in another country. This annoys me because the news gets away with calling the refugees migrants because most of the refugees have not been given refugee status, and there are a small percentage of migrants who are also travelling on boats to Europe, but the majority ARE refugees and have no choice but to escape their country, because a chance at a better life is better than staying in a midst of a devastating war. 

So when the news says migrants are coming over to the UK, this in my opinion gives the wrong impression, we are more inclined to sympathise with the phrasing of refugee than we are to migrants, because unfortunately I believe the UK and Europe are still being very xenophobic, so you hear the word migrant and our xenophobic nation panics, oh no we can't have more of them over here we need to sort our own people out first before we help others. This just makes me feel ill and makes me sad to be British, because we are all human, and if the tables were turned we would expect help, and equal, fair treatment. Which we aren't giving to these refugee families. We are actually making it ten times harder for them to have any quality of life by placing more restrictions by saying we have to be sure that they are refugees and not migrants trying to illegally enter the country, because you know when you are forced to leave your country because your home is destroyed you really have the time to get the right documentation in order. So this is why the refugees are using risky ways of travelling just for the hope that someone will help, but we don't we throw another bit of red tape at them and they have to move on, no human deserves to be treated like that. There is no excuse. 

As I said above I don't know every single statistic of the situation, I have my own opinion based on what I have seen an read, but to me we as a nation, and extending our duty of care to the whole of human race, not just who we deem 'our own' because there is no our own, we are human that is it. 

I am sorry that this post was not the happy, positive post I wanted it to be, but I am so saddened and disappointed in the world, because I want to have faith in us as a species but the truth is I don't because in today's world it seems like we just keep on making up more and more rules and barriers to stop us uniting, and frankly that scares me. Equality is accepting people because they are different, not discriminating or coming up with excuses to why we say or treat someone in a certain way. 

I have a very simple philosophy and I have said it before, I want to be happy and make sure those around me are happy too. I also just want to be nice, yes I am sarcastic and I rant and moan, but the truth is I just try to be a nice human being, which I think people forget to be, because they have an agenda, or they want to prove something, but just try and be nice, it sometimes just frustrates me so much because I don't see why it is so difficult to just be nice! 

Anyway I am sorry that this was a ranty, and a heavy topic of discussion but I just needed to voice it. The future sometimes seems so bright and full of opportunity, and then other times it seems so dim and scary. I just want to remain hopeful, but as I watch the news daily it is hard to see the silver lining. But my thoughts are with those suffering across the world, I just wish I could do more to help.
I don't want to lose faith in humanity, I want others to have more faith and speak up, you are allowed to disagree with things and have an opinion, just don't use it as a tool to hate someone.


Till tomorrow.

Being Weak, But strong...

Hello there!

Reality that in three days I will be moving back out and left to my own devices again in 4 days is hitting me hard. Obviously I have known for a while and I hate that I am getting so scared over something that I have done before. As I have mentioned before my first year of university wasn't the best and in hindsight this second year should be magnitudes better because I have chosen who I want to live with and I am feeling in a better place emotionally, I feel like I can be a lot more organised and structured when it comes to money and my work load. So I should be over the moon and have a really positive outlook on it but still the fear of going back to that life, because what I experienced of it last year wasn't amazing, far from it, it was extremely difficult and stressful, so it is hard to escape that frame of mind. 

There are lots of thoughts going through my mind, negative ones of what can go wrong, I am worried about the work load, and leaving my family and friends again. The work is going to be a lot harder, and I am determined to be more focused on my work and not get distracted too much (except for doctor who that is a perfectly acceptable distraction) but I know it is going to be harder, I am worried that I don't really remember anything and I am going to make a fool out of myself. 

Packing is stressful too, if you have ever moved out you will know that no matter how much you think you have organised, how many lists you've made, packing is just a stressful process. You have to make sure you have everything, but not over pack, and you have to make sure you check, and double checked that you haven't forget anything. I haven't started packing yet, me and my mum will probably start small tomorrow, just finding stuff and getting it all together, the thought of this is daunting because it is up to me, and I worry that I will get on my mums nerves if I am indecisive or if I haven't thought properly of what I need to take with me...but I think I have thought of most things...I think.

See I hate this!! I constantly do it and it is annoying me but I doubt everything I do, or second guess myself...grrrr!!

Anyway there are positives to all this it will be nice to move in with people I like and get on with, I just hope that we will get on living together but I can't see why we wont. Also it will be good to have a proper routine again, I have missed that, because this summer I haven't really had a purpose to get up and do stuff, which is not fun. I am excited for my new classes, hopefully they are interesting and that I like them, but I am going in positive! Also one of my brothers recently moved to a town that is only a 20 minute train ride away, so I am hoping that I can see more of him! 

All I can do is keep thinking about these positive outcomes that follow me moving out, think about the bigger picture of it all and hopefully these will outweigh my little doubts and insecurities, which in four days will be over and probably replaced with other worries, but I have to keep thinking of the bigger picture and try to blur out these doubts. 

I am not going to lie because I am scared and I am stressed, but it is not the end of the world, I know it seems so tedious and selfish of me to be moaning and complaining because I can have a good education and a roof over my head, and in the grand scheme of the world I live in luxury so my I shouldn't make a fuss. However we are all human, and we all have our different problems of all different sizes, and sometimes its just nice to have faith that you have someone out there that will listen, so that you don't beat yourself up inside your mind, because if I had continued to do that and not open myself up to anyone I would of been a lot worse. 

Here is the song for today....

If you have a worry that is nagging at you, and it wont go away, don't let it rule your thoughts and let it out even if its small, write it down, tell someone, anyone, just make it a physical thing that you can cast out of your mind. 

Have a peaceful night 

Till tomorrow. 

Hello, this is my face...

Hello there!

So today I wanted to something a little bit different again,  as I mentioned in a previous post my self esteem is quite low, and I have a low opinion of myself when it comes to appearance as well as other aspects of myself. Today was one of those days where you kinda want to forget that there is a world outside and just be in your own bubble...however I was venturing outside to go to the shop where my mum works and walk back with her. This then got me thinking about make up and how much effort I do go through just to go to the shop, where I am out of the house for 20-30 mins, and it seems ridiculous and people say to me, mostly my mum, why do you need to wear that you are only going to the shop. 

This annoys me, for a lot of reasons, (be prepared for a rant) it seems that now adays there is so much stigma around wearing make up, how much you should wear, where should you wear it blah blah blah, I say screw it. I like make up, I like the ritualisation of putting on make up. I also feel comfortable with make up on and I feel like it makes me more confident in myself. So I don't get what the problem is. Now the thought of doing what I am doing scares me, and that just shows how uncomfortable I am when I have not got make up on, so below is a picture of me make up free. (ahh!!)

scarrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy

I keep my skin clean and try to look after it as best I can but as you can see, I have dark under eyes, spots, patches of oilyness,(you can't see that well in this photo) you know the things that every person suffers with. And there is that thing where people say you don't need make up you look fine without it, which sounds like ooh what a nice thing to say,but this annoys me too, because I personally believe that it is okay not to like certain things about yourself, in this case your face, Its okay to notice your flaws and accept them, don't hate them all the time just accept that they are there, become comfortable with them there and if you want to make an illusion to change them then why the hell not its your face! I feel that all around today its like accept your natural beauty and I am all for that but lets face it black eyes and spots are not beautiful, that is just my opinion but I mean they're not, and I know this and don't want to live in ignorance and just pretend they are not there. But I can notice them accept that I have these flaws and just deal with them, this maybe to do some concealing, but also enhancing features you do like about your face.

I know to most people I seem ungrateful when they tell me I don't need make up but they don't understand that I do it for myself, so I can feel comfortable and not constantly worried if I look oily, or if they are going to notice the deep dark bags under my eyes. I like my eyes, they are naturally big, and I like the colour of them, but the darkness under them makes them look dull and detracts away from them, so I hide one flaw to enhance what I actually like about myself. Mascara I think changes everything, If I had to I could probably ditch every other make up product and just use mascara because this is what really makes me look human and brings my eyes to life. 

I don't mind my freckles, but because I have some redness and an unbalanced skin tone they look muddy and just make my face look dirty, so a thin layer of foundation evens out my skin tone and can let some of my freckles shine through.

Make up is thought of to just be this covering up thing, this liquid mask you can put on your face, but it isn't, to me it is this tool I can use to make myself more confident and feel better about myself. If someone doesn't want to wear make up its fine, but I do not envy them, like I said above I love the ritual of putting make up on, the different stages, and I love to shop for make up products, I know that to most people that may seem stupid, but it is just like anything else I am passionate about. I mean I know from the outside its like Keeley why are you having a rant its just make up, but its not because if you have low self esteem and you find something that makes that even a fraction better and takes the edge off you want to cling on to that thing for dear life!

I could honestly go on for hours, I wont, but I just want to say that make up is my holy grail because it is a quick fix to make me feel better, I can't over night fit into that dress that's a dress size too small, or put some concealer on my love handles, but with make up you can instantly feel better about the way you look, even if it is in a small way.

So the next time someone you know has make up on, weather it be a shimmery eye shadow, or a new red lip stick, instead of asking them why they are wearing it, why not just compliment the time and effort they have taken to enhance their natural beauty, so below is a picture with the make up I wear pretty much all the time, cool tip headphones not only supply good music whilst putting on make up but they keep my hair out of my face too! (apologies for the photo I can rarely take a serious photo)

Me with my basic make up! Yay! 

I am sorry that that was a bit ranty and a bit different but I needed to share this opinion I have, and hopefully I am not the only one that thinks like this!
Here is my song for today...Enjoy!!

Till tomorrow!

I like stuff...and it makes me happy!

Hello there!

So today I kinda woke up not in the best of moods, I just felt a little bit poop, so I thought I would make a post about things that just make me happy, mostly to cheer me up and to maybe share more about myself. Some of these are random, and are mostly just silly little things that make me smile! 

Here goes!

1. DOCTOR WHO!!

This had to be number one, and since the new series is starting in 9 days (which I am totally unprepared for!) I had to put this in! Doctor who for me is just this thing that can be nostalgic and new at the same time, and I love that. I have been a Doctor who fan since 2005 since the reboot, and I am a proud whovian! 

10 years worth of collecting!

2. DVD's/movies in general

As it is probably becoming more obvious I love films, I love going to the cinema, talking about films, reading about films, and I also like collecting and organising DVD's, I know everyone is practically all about netflix and online streaming, and that's great I love that to, but there is something to me about having a collection, and the whole ceremony of putting a disk into a DVD player and leaving it on the menu screen as you go get snacks and get comfy! I dunno maybe I am just weird but it makes me happy! 

3. Lego! 

What more can I say! I love Lego, unfortunately I don't have a huge collection of Lego, because it is not cheap, but I have quite a few really good sets that I have accumulated over the years, but most of that is sadly in a suitcase with my brother ready to be transported to my new house! But I got this cool set for my birthday! 

Don't ask me why the flash is standing on the front of the batmobile....

4. Books. 

Again there is not a lot I can say about this because nowadays pretty much everyone reads and enjoys books, well I kinda hope they do! See for me this caught on late, I don't mean that I have only just started appreciating books but you know most avid readers start in early childhood but I think that for me in early childhood I was reading animal encyclopaedia's with my dad and I didn't really appreciate really good literature until I started studying it in school, especially in secondary school when I had the best English teacher who introduced me to the book below, and it has remained In my top books because not only did it make me want to read more books of the same author but it makes me think of my English teacher and how she thought it was cool that a 14 year old would be so into Henry James! so yay! 

5. Comic Books.

Yes. How can you not look at the picture below and think that is beautiful! Anyway...I started reading comic books actually not that long ago maybe 3 years ago? My brother used to read graphic novels and he had a few comic books lying around when I was young, but never really an extensive collection, we got our daily comic book heroes from the TV, with the old X-men and Spider-man cartoons! I remember that the first comic book I bought was from a supermarket, it was a fantastic four one, and another one, They were like on number 29 or something stupid like that and I had been wanting to buy a comic for so long I hadn't really thought through the whole series system but I bought it and just fell in love! (even though I was slightly confused with the story line) But I stil love comic books I don't have much time to buy them but one of my lovely brothers has kept my collection going and even managed to get me signed comics! So happy happy happy!!

These are just some that I have re-read recently. 

Now we get on to the slightly random things.....anyway 

6. Going to live shows! 

The atmosphere, the whole process of buying a ticket and waiting for that date to come around! I just love it all! I like most Live shows but music events are what make me the most happy, so much so that I would love so much to be a part of an event team, just so I could stand back watch a performance and think I helped them put this show on.....oops...went in to dream mode then....yikes. 

Most recent tickets

7.  My journal/organising book thing....

Yes, this houses all my lists, goals and dreams, and the odd rant...even holds a secret Tardis!
Also featuring my batman Pyjamas....(I am so cool)

8. This Fridge.

I know I could make some joke about how that's where the food is..ha ha ha...but I actually just love that my mum has covered it in cook fridge magnets and really cure pictures! 

Featuring my have brothers...yes I have five brothers....(that is an old school photo btw they are all older than me!) 

9. My laptop (ofc) and My headphones
Both a staple part of who I am! its not very often that I go a day without opening my laptop, or putting my headphones on. As you should gather music means a lot to me, so being able to listen to music whenever I like without pissing people off means a lot to me too! Also the stickers reflect a lot more stuff that makes me happy! 

10. And last in the formal list is YOUTUBE!
Obviously I couldn't make a list of things that make me happy without including YouTube, Its what I can ascape into when I don't feel like being sociable, its something that I can keep up with and just have a little dose of happiness, if I am watching a you-tuber, or watching the latest trailers for films, it just makes me happy!

So I am also gonna put in some honourable mentions, because you know tag line....I like a lot of stuff...

so yeah....random honourable mentions, I love the smell of playdoh, My cat Alan! Make up, I am not even sorry I love collecting make up and putting it on sue me! I love my collection of Disney plastic cups, because even though I am technically a grown woman I love disney. Coloured pens make me happy, this is because they make my scruffy lists look a little bit prettier. 

And finally, this card that one of my brothers got me for my birthday, because its amazing. 

Anyway I am sorry that was very random but sometimes when you think about all the little day to day things that put a smile on your face you can start to appriciate things more, and I am grateful that even the smallest thing like a plastic cup can make me so happy. Obviously there are more things in life that make me happy and more substantial things but this is just a glimpse at some stuff that I think I need to say thank you too! I know that seems weird, I can't thank a DVD but you know what I mean I just think without silly little things like this I wouldn't be keeley!

phew anyway Enjoy, and try and think what makes you happy, even if it is small! 

Just a little bit annoyed...

Hello There!

Today I am not so good at all. It seems that I may have jinxed myself with all the positivity, because today when I went to make an order of some stuff I needed to move out with I couldn't get them delivered to my new house, which was very annoying, and I know it doesn't sound like a major issue, and its not but its just the fact that I have been seeing everything, even particularly bad things in a positive light but it just seems like the universe was like no look even though you think you have planned every detail and sorted things everything can't go that smoothly so it fucks something up for me. 

Despite this being a small issue, and I know it sounds so petty of me to get so annoyed over a little thing but it has a knock on effect, and for me that knock on effect is money and the lack of it I have, this means I will have to wait till the day we move to buy stuff, before I have the right money, which means going into a shop with suitcases and bags, and its just stress that I could of avoided if things just went right. What is disheartening is that I love to be organised and I love to not just wing things, because of the thought of failing or letting someone down, but it seems that more stuff goes wrong when I do plan. I tried to not stress earlier, I was actually quite calm for a while thinking of other solutions, and I was proud of myself for a bit but then I was thinking of all the hassle this one tiny thing has caused because of all the knock on effects it has and then I just kinda felt a bit crap because like I said for someone who tries so hard to get their life in order, it seems like it has a way of screwing up something. 

I told myself at the start of this blog that I wanted to be more positive and stop expecting the worst, however life has proved once again that as soon as I start thinking positive and get my shit together something goes wrong and I am back to square one again. I know it seems like I am over reacting but someone out there must have this too, I think it has effected me so much because I have been in this good mood, I have been motivated and actually taking steps to understand myself better and make myself a happier person. This has just been a kind of kick in the teeth back to reality moment, where 

sometimes life just has to be unnecessarily difficult

I know I am making this sound so dramatic, and I am annoyed with myself that something quite tedious can push me so far. It has been resolved now though, kind of I have made new arrangements and I am going to try and plan how much things will cost against how much money I have tomorrow, I know that life is not easy, but that is why I make lists and try and prepare, and when you do that and things still mess up it kinda seems like your effort is pointless. Nonetheless I am going to keep making lists because that is just who I am and most of the time things go kind of to plan. 

I am not in the positive, motivated mood today that I have been in the last couple of days, and to be honest I am very worried that it is only going to get worse and more problems are gonna surface in the next week, I am trying so hard to push these thoughts out of my head and think positive and just say to myself don't worry if something goes wrong you can sort it out, but it is so much harder than that. 

Hopefully tomorrow I can get things back on track and get myself out of this vortex of bad thoughts, but I guess we shall have to wait and see. 

Here is the song for today, (I really love this song, it is a very big and dramatic song so be warned, but it is brilliant) 

Till tomorrow. 

Things don't always have to go to plan.

Hello there!

Today has been one of those days where nothing really goes to plan, I mean it's not like I had huge plan for today, you know like going outside. Nonetheless there are little things that I wanted to do, like I said yesterday I wanted to do more of my spreadsheets, to prep a bit more for Uni, I was also going to check out some of the new books that I will need for the new term, see prices and if they are worth buying or of there are alternative ways of me getting a hold of them. Also doing a bit of chores around the house, I do this most days but I kinda wanted to organise the bathroom a little bit because I have kind of destroyed my mum's bathroom with all my washing and crap. 

So you see I mean it was little things but in the long term may have been useful to me. However this didn't really go to plan. I woke up this morning at about ten and my mum was home from work, I as confused because she didn't have a day off and she usually finishes a lot later. Turns out she had come home a lot earlier because she wasn't well and had went back to bed. Now my mum is a stubborn and proud woman, so it takes a lot for her to actually admit to herself and her work that she can't do the day and needs to go home, so granted I was annoyed because she said she thinks she hurt herself yesterday lugging around stuff. This makes me so angry because her work really do just walk all over her, and she will moan and complain, but they don't really give a shit. They Know that she shouldn't be doing all the heavy lifting, she's a bloody bakery supervisor for christs sake not a fucking delivery driver. Anyway that is my rant over with. For now at least/

I did do some of my spread sheet and a bit of cleaning and organising, but no where near as much as I thought because I wanted to take care of my mum, make her lunch, keep her company and let her vent to me about her job, which I think she definitely needed to do. 

So today I kinda feel a bit useless, I know that sounds stupid because plans change and you can't live life exactly how you plan, but I felt like I was getting somewhere and motivating myself to do something that mattered even if it was small steps, it still felt useful. Where as now I have spent the majority of the day either napping (which was a huge mistake) or looking at clothes and make up on line that I definitely cannot afford. I have no idea why I do this, and what's worse is that I am not looking at designer stuff, there's no prada or chanel, I am looking at brands like top shop and river island, so in theory I can afford it when I get paid, when in actual fact I really can't. But I look at something and think, well that is doable, I can treat myself, squeeze that out of my budget. However I do that with everything I find that I like the look of, and then end up just feeling sorry for myself because there is no chance in hell that I will get those things....women. 

Honestly though I do just love mindlessly browsing at make up brands and clothes, its like I am making a mental list in my head of things I could buy if I had the money, I don't know why I am torturing myself like this but I think the logic side of Keeley says to herself  get that one thing, and start a collection slowly. Which I think is sensible, I know that this is a dangerous thought, because once you buy one thing you are like more more more, but to be honest because I spend most of my time just looking by the time it comes round to buying something I talk myself out of it anyway, so I don't think I am at a risk of losing control. But I really cannot wait to go shopping, it has been so long since I have just bought something that I really really wanted, just to make myself happy and to say you know what I think I deserve this. 

When analysing myself I think my diversity in personality traits is one of the things that I am most proud of, and probably the thing that confuses me too. The fact that you are neither one thing or the other, I love make up and fashion, but I also love games and comic books, I can help my mum get ready for a night out, and talk to my brother about up and coming films. I love that I have this duality that I can be the tom-boy that my brothers raised, but also the young woman that I taught myself to be. I think that is me, I will soak up another persons personality and work with it, If you are having a bad day, I will be caring and compassionate, or silly to try and cheer you up. Like today, when I went to bed I had an idea of what 'type' of Keeley I wanted to be the next day, the organising get things done Keeley, But things changed and I was the caring, listening Keeley. I know it sounds very odd to talk about myself like this, but I don't think it is a negative thing to be able to work off of someone's personality, I feel like it just makes me a more rounded person and a person that almost anyone could feel comfortable talking to? 

Anyway it is weird talking positively about myself, but if you read back previous posts you will know that I need to start recognising the good in me, and stop dwelling on the bad. So here's the song for today, dedicated to my mum, plus I love the album this is from...enjoy! 

Till Tomorrow. 

You're Part of my Past Now.

Hello there!

Today has been a pretty good day...Mostly. Although I have spent all day in my pyjamas (which is pretty much what I have been doing all summer I have been pretty productive which I am proud of myself for. So I consider myself a pretty organised person, maybe sometimes I am over cautious but it is better to be prepared! 

So because I feel happy that I actually did something worth while today I thought I would ramble about it so here goes. 

So the first productive thing I did today was make a packing list, moving back to university is becoming very imminent now and when it comes to packing next week I don't want to be stressing or forgetting anything I need because its not like I can just pop home to get it. So last year when I was first moving out it was a lot different because I had to completely buy everything new, I definitely had too much stuff and it was all a bit new and exciting. This year is very different, I have to be very concise with what I take as I will be going on the train and carrying it all with my mum, and also I will be buying stuff as and when I need it after I move in. I don;t go into crazy detail with the lists I make they aren't particularly neat or pretty (they are quite the opposite as you can see below) but if you write something down it is so much more cemented and I have a thing where if I can physically tick things off a list it reassures me so much more than if I were to just do everything mentally, which most people do. This may sound like a thing to be proud of, but to actually sit there with my notebook and pen thinking and thoughtfully planning something made me feel like I was getting somewhere and that I was like mentally packing all my stuff so that when it comes to next week I can just organise everything and be happy with myself that I was prepared and not a stressful mess.

oh geez, can you tell I like to organise yet? I sound like such a nerd..

Anyway Like I said I was feeling pretty motivated today and thought I would organise the files on my laptop, because I hasn't really organised any of my uni work from last year and basically my files were a mess. While I was doing that I was looking through some vocab lists I made and noticed they were a bit messy and just not good, so I thought I am going to re-make these spreadsheets ready for when I go back, because lets face it I need to remember most of what I learned last year because I haven't looked at a Greek or Latin word all summer, unless you count harry potter spells...(which I totally do.) So I got all my work together and started to make a spreadsheet and did that for the majority of the day. Plus watching YouTube and listening to music of course, But yeah I was proud that I sat there and did it and it was a bit tedious and time consuming, but it made me feel like I was taking steps to get back into the working mindset. I am going to continue doing this probably most of the week as well as starting some of my reading list. 

However, the theme with me, you can't have a good day without at least something making you feel a little off. So I am regularly on social media, twitter, Facebook and instagram. When me and my ex broke up he was wiped from all of them, I couldn't see what he was posting on Facebook, the only reminder I had of him were memories and my mum who has a way of putting him into the conversation/ Nonetheless I didn't have to feel bad or self concious about what I posted, because I didn't want it to become this childish thing of posting just to spite your ex (which I am sure we are all tempted to do myself included) BUT, he follows me on instagram, which is probably the worst social media I want him to follow me on because Instagram is the shallow social media, posting pictures of yourself and things you want to capture. So he posted a photo, and I was on it scrolling through the YouTubers and friends I have and saw it, and it's hard to describe how I felt, it was a mix of shock and slight panic, I had forgotten he even had an instagram account let alone posted on it, so I clicked his image and his profile (sue me we all do it) and then noticed he only had two followers, so he must of known that I would of seen the photo which made me feel kinda sick, Like what was he doing, did he just want to start using instagram more? or is he just doing it with the knowledge that I will see it? I really hope that its the former, because although we didn't part in the best of circumstances I don't want to think that he would be so childish I guess. After I did this I sort of panicked because I thought I post all the time on instagram all the time, random pictures of me, my cats, food the whole shebang basically. so now I am constantly worrying that he definitely sees them, and has seen all of my photos and that is the reason he posted a photo of himself, because he may think that I post photos for the purpose of him seeing them. God I know I am over thinking this way too much but before I didn't really think I just thought it was fun, but now I don;t want him judging me or thinking that I am doing this to spite him or I don't even know I am just confused!! It seems like when I start thinking I can be happy on my own and free there is a constant reminder that he is there, looming, and I am trying so hard to just not think about it. 

Wow that was long, yeah sorry that was so long. I know that I can be happy on my own, I proved that today I can keep myself motivated, and I can make myself proud, even if it is on a small scale. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had written a list of goals, here is a little snap of it, yes its cheesy and messy but its a physical reminder of some of the things that I want to try and do in the following year. 

Anyway here is my song for today, this is especially great for when I am feeling like I need a reminder of why my relationship ended in the first place! enjoy! 

Till tomorrow. 

Positively Rambling!

Hello!

Today I am feeling a little less motivated that yesterday, but I am still in a mostly positive mood. I have been less productive today, it is a Sunday after all who does anything on a Sunday. Despite being in a positive mood about where my life is going, in terms of education and a job in the future. I want to keep thinking this way, keep motivating myself to work hard and make myself proud. However I still have that looming doubt over my head, which is stopping me from fully believing in myself and what I can do. 

This is also coupled with the fact that I am constantly putting myself down, mostly in terms of appearance. I hate this so much and it has been annoying me even more lately, because I have been trying not to moan or complain too much to those around me it seems to have gotten louder in my head. Its safe to say that when it comes to appearance there is not a lot I like about myself, and it makes me really sad. I am into fashion, daily I am looking on clothing websites and look at things I would love to own and wear. However I then list all of my flaws that would stop me from wearing an outfit like that. I am not happy with my body shape, but again this is my fault, too much chocolate not enough exercise. It seems that no matter how much I try or say that I want to change I still don't really have the motivation to do it, when my motivation should be fitting into smaller jeans or buying that dress I've always wanted...but nothing seems to push me quite enough. 

Obviously there is something pretty huge now, my brothers wedding, I don't want to look like a crap bridesmaid. So maybe this is the fear I need, the fear of having to wear a dress in front of loads of people plus my brothers (who will probably mock me), maybe that fear will drive me to lose some weight. 

The thing is when I think about why I maybe haven't had the motivation to lose weight in the past I turn a bit sassy, because I think why should I, I shouldn't have to lose weight in order to feel good about myself, I should just learn to love me as I am now, but I am that annoying person that can't do either. And whose to say that losing weight would help me, I would still find flaws with myself daily, I would probably still cover up practically everything, because I think I can't 'Pull it off'.' 

I am so conflicted with this because the thought of looking in a mirror and liking most of my body seems so unnatural to me, so I can't say losing weight will help, but at the end of the day I am probably still going to diet, and find some way to exercise. I have genuinely been researching into becoming a pescatarian though, but that is mostly for other reasons, but I guess that would help me lose weight maybe? 

Wow, I don't even know if I am making sense to myself, no matter what I am still trying to have a positive outlook and not to dwell on bad thoughts when and if I get them. Like I said yesterday things will not change over night, but I am just trying so so hard to just remain in a good mood, and some days it is difficult to smile and participate in conversation, but I do anyway, because just because I may be having these thoughts in my head doesn't mean that I should take that out on the world. 

Sorry this hasn't been very coherent...but these are the things going on in my head at the moment! 

Here's the song for today anyway enjoy :) 

Till tomorrow. 

When you've got bigger plans that no one else understands...

Hello there!

I have been in a pretty good mood the past few days which is good, I am worrying a lot less about going back to university, I mean I still think it is going to be very tough but nonetheless I am starting to see a bigger picture of where I want my life to go. Which is keeping me focused. 

I know that in the majority of life we are told to not think too much about the future and live in the now, but when you are a student who doesn't really know how to be anything but in education its hard not to worry where my life is going to go when I have to actually have to start a career. I don't believe that thinking about the future is a bad thing, especially at my age, as long as I am thinking positively I think it is a very healthy thing to do. This is what I have been trying to do I haven't been creating a blue print of my life and bullet pointing every step, I have been actually logically thinking what I want to achieve in this next year. Tangible things that I can push my self to achieve. These goals are anything from improving my writing, or doing an internship. They are the types of goals that last year I would of never of thought of because I wasn't willing to push myself and put myself out of my comfort zone in order to achieve more. 

This year is not going to be easy, there is going to be stress, work, more stress and more work, but I am not willing to just lie down and let myself panic and run away from things. I know that I am going to have days where I want to lay down and do nothing, that is a given, but I also want days where I am productive, so I can be proud of myself and say you know what Keeley you aren't that bad after all! 

Geez, I know I am sounding like a really cheesy sports motivator, but the truth is this is what I want to sound like I want to be overly optimistic because I am fed up of just feeling like I am pretty much crap at everything and just not worth the effort. No one should ever feel like that, and it pains me to admit that this is how I feel about myself. However I am also glad that I am not lying to myself any more I can admit to myself that I feel pretty crap about my abilities and about how I conduct life, and that is the first step to changing it. I want to experience more of life, but also not feel guilty about just doing what really makes me happy, like pigging out on chocolate with a good film and a blanket! 

Things are not going to change over night, but I have proven to myself in the last couple of weeks that although there is panic and stress I can organise aspects of my life and I can still look forward to the future. It sounds silly, but the scariest thing to me is having control over my own life, there is no one telling me how I should live my life, no one that is guiding me through it, I make my own choices, and I am responsible for myself. That is the scariest and best thing that I have ever realised. I always knew it of course, but it always seemed like there was someone else I could blame, or someone else I could ask which path I should take. I am not going to do that any longer, from now on I will tell myself and every one else what I am doing and take responsibility for my own actions. 

My ultimate goal in life is to be happy and to hopefully make the people around me happy too, friends, family and who ever else comes in and out of my life. 

I just hope that I can keep myself motivated and positive. I will not let my thoughts defeat me and make me feel like I am worthless. Because lets face it, I am actually not that bad...

The song for today is this...

Till tomorrow,