Okay, back to the real
talk, So yesterday I did remain in a pretty good mood all day I wasn't
particularly productive, read some emails, put up another blog post that hopefully was helpful to someone,
and I spoke to a few of my friends. However like I mentioned yesterday I just
have this constant nagging feeling in my brain. I have also been thinking a lot
about the amount of stuff I should say to people then don't, or I just don’t
speak to them at all...this then sends me into dark places where I start
thinking about the people who are missing from my life, the people I don’t speak
to enough and then end up pretty down on myself which isn't good.
I just hope I'm not alone in
feeling this way, and most of the time I just feel like an awful person? I don't
even know, I mean it’s not like I'm evil I don't go out of my way to hurt
people, and I am a terrible liar. I just can't get that thought out of my head.
One thing that sticks out for me that I can talk about now is the fact that sometimes
I think I am a complete failure as a friend, Like I don't get this feeling all
the time of course, but last year I shut myself away from the people I needed
close and I think I haven't quite gotten used to not being in that frame of
mind, it’s like there is always a barrier up with me and I don't know why, even
with my friends who I have known for years and should know me I still feel like
I hide too much of myself away from them, which I want to stop doing because I don't
want to lose any of my friends, especially now I need them more than ever.
I don't know why it
seems sometimes that I just make my life so much more difficult than it needs
to be, and the worst part is I know I'm doing it. One minute I can think
logically to myself ‘right Keeley get off your ass and do something!’ and the
next minute I come up with an excuse to not do it. That’s the fear again, the
fear that I will mess up or that I'm not good enough. I don't think there is a
day I can go where I don’t worry about one thing or another, the worst part is
sometimes it’s just me being cautious which is mostly a good thing and then it’s
just restricting how I live my life day to day.
Nevertheless I think
there are a lot of people out there who think from time to time that they are
not good enough, or think I won’t text this friend if they wanted to speak to
me they can. But If there’s one piece of advice I can give you and also to
myself it’s just to reach out, if there’s someone you are holding back from
talking to, but there’s an ounce of you that wants to know how they are Don't
wait, because the longer you leave it the more hurt you will get. Just pick up
your phone, or open Facebook, or whatever and just say Hi, The worst that will
happen is that they don't reply, but then who's the douche you for trying or
them for losing you?
Anyway I am gonna try be productive today, kind of, I should be organising stuff ready for me to move out, but I still am finding it hard to think about that at the moment.
oh! Also as I said previously Music, among other things helps me a lot so I am gonna start doing my song of the day, today its this, Enjoy.
Till Tomorrow! :)
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