IDEK! aka I'm just really confused.

23/08/2015

Hello there!

Last night I was pretty stuck on how I was feeling, i was confused to say the least. Before I go into this I just want to clarify that i'm just a 19 year old who is trying to figure themselves out, these posts some times may get a little heavy and sometimes may seem a little bit emotionally void but that's because I am trying to be as honest as I can be, in order to help myself and hopefully others along the way, because feelings and emotions are difficult, they are complex , so when you are going through all that plus trying to deal with everyday life sometimes it can just get a bit too much. Hopefully someone out there can identify with the feelings I am going through. Which at the moment is total confusion.

Anywho, back to the point. So last night I was just a bit perplexed shall we say? I couldn't figure out why I tried so hard during the day? What was I trying to accomplish? Was it to cheer my mum up? or Was it to cheer myself up? See i'm leaning towards the latter, despite it seeming selfish, thinking back to it and replaying situations in my head its like I would desperately try to cling on to any scrap of conversation so that I wouldn't be stuck with this sad silence. The more I think back the more I think was I actually feeling chirpy all day and night? The answer is no, to be honest towards the evening I felt quite drained. Confused yet? Because I know I am! I was convincing myself that I was in a good mood because I was trying so hard to be, and I think I have figured out why I did this, and why people do it everyday. Its to convince ourselves and everyone around us that we are OKAY. Its easier to say yeah I was pretty chirpy all day, instead of I was chirpy until I walked into my house, then it kinda got kicked out of me, then I was okay again, then I was panicky, then I felt like shutting the world away, then I was okay again..then I was tired.....Bit of a mouthful, so I plumped for the one I thought I was and tried to be all day, I'm not lying at all but everyone does this, and we do it because it's easy to do.

Despite all this I am still confused, I still am unsure about who I am, or better still who I am trying to be. I convince myself that I am happy and I am living my life for me, but then sometimes I feel like that I am doing everything wrong, that I am not a good person at all, and that I am not worth peoples time. It's like two different Keeley's, The positive, bubbly Keeley that gets excited about Doctor who and Cherry Coke. Then there's the negative Keeley, That puts herself down at every opportunity, that constantly worries about everything because she thinks she will mess up. Right now I think I am neither, I am in between them both...I'm trying to be positive about things to come, Moving in to my new place, seeing my friends. But I can't get excited, because I am also worrying about everything else, money, leaving family and friends, and also being thrown back into a social environment again. 

If you haven't seen inside out GO NOW it is incredible. But I think this Shows wonderfully how strange emotions are and how each one overlaps sometimes. (Side note- I don't own this image) 

But while writing this it has helped me to admit to myself that maybe I do act up a certain emotion just because its the easy thing to do, just because deep down sometimes we don't want someone to ask if we are okay, because we aren't. I don't think this is a bad thing, because I think that's just human nature, we solve problems however we can. Does this make me a dishonest person though? Am I hiding my true self away just for the sake of not kicking up a fuss?

We shall see...

till tomorrow....