20/08/2015: Day 1 :
Emotionless Emotions.
context: I am back at Home for Summer from University. I had an arguement with my mum yesterday over something trivial but I started to think about things, so I thought I would start this, So lets go.
After yesterday I just kind
of feel empty like not numb because I kind of feel sad but then I’m tying to be happy because I can’t be sad
otherwise they will notice that something is up. I am okay I just feel like for
the longest time I have had people telling me how to be me and I guess it’s
gotten to the point now where I don’t know who I am, I thought I knew I was
happy in myself feeling positive about how my life was going but now I'm not so
sure. I wanted to talk to my friend yesterday but I didn't want to ruin their day and I also didn't really know what I was meant to say -Hi Friend I'm emotionally unstable? Anyway...I haven’t spoken to anyone and I don’t think I can because I don’t want
to be selfish (which is confusing the hell out of me.) And this Is why I have
started this, Typing and hoping that I will find some answers I guess.
I'm trying so hard to be happy and content but
I keep thinking these bad thoughts, bad thoughts about myself who I am and
whether if I am worthy of this life, which sounds incredibly bad but I think
once in a while everyone gets down on themselves maybe not to this extent but
nevertheless I do want these thoughts to go away because I know that’s not who I
am, but it is hard to know what to believe anymore.
Its seems like the people I
care most about don’t like me completely flaws and all, but maybe I just have too many flaws? I don't know. Firstly my Ex, and especially
my mum, it’s like she’s constantly mad at me because I'm not being me, well the me she knows at least? I mean I
know that’s not true she is not constantly mad at me and she loves me but these are the thoughts going through
my head.
I don’t even know I'm just rambling, I know I
messed up yesterday but I don’t know how to act now, I don’t know what I'm meant to say or do, in my head I am constantly just thinking of how to make everyone happy and that’s including myself but I can’t think like that anymore,
I don’t think? I don’t know but I thought by writing this down I can be sort of
be selfish through this so I'm not selfish IRL, I guess? I don’t know one
minute everyone’s like think about you do what you need to do but I don’t think
they really mean that anymore, I think what they should say is worry about
yourself a moderate amount but then also think about how to remain happy, calm and free whilst worrying about others as well so you don’t look like a
douche...Yeah Hopefully this little thing will help,
Basically a journey of all
my emotions.This isn't written well and it wont be because its just what I'm feeling at the time and a stream of consciousness.
I will try to write this daily maybe a summary of how I'm feeling but also a commentary of how I should feel vs. how I actually do feel? That
seems so stupid to write because I shouldn't have to feel anything, but then
why do I feel like I'm feeling the wrong way all the time?
Damn that’s a lot of
Feelings....
So today I think whilst
trying to be completely sane and trying to feel the right things I'm gonna be thinking about what it means to be selfish? When are we being to selfish? When
did selfish become a such a negative word...I shall do some research...
Until tomorrow
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