Day 3: 22/08/2015
So, in my last post I was very analytical about my feelings, and it did help. It helped to deconstruct situations in way to help me think more about who I am as a person.
Anyway...as I said at the end of my last post I stayed at my friends house last night, and it was everything I described it as, it was just like nothing had changed like we were the happy-go-lucky people we always were, and we talked about lots of stuff too, and i'm going to say the cliche thing that talking to someone about stuff does help, loads, especially when that person is an old friend and instead of looking at you like you are insane they nod and agree with everything you are saying...that is a huge bonus.
When I stay at her house it is honestly like stepping into the past, The same place I have been coming for years. Last night was a lot different to the night previously, instead of awkward silences, and not having much to talk about me and my friend talked about anything and everything whether it be the existance of aliens, or how catastrophic it is that 50 shades of Grey actually exists (I'd much prefer if alien did.) Yes, these things aren't the most important things to me at the moment but I loved not worrying about what I was saying, not worrying if I was talking about me too much, or whether I can just be happy and not feel guilty about it.
Which Brings me on to the following morning, or should i say afternoon...we woke up pretty late today. So me and my friend woke up and I was super happy to have a few more hours at this haven, sounds silly calling it that but my friend used this phrase and it is completely correct her house is a sort of haven where I can just completely let go...But anyway back to the flipping point....whilst we were playing more games (Time splitters 2- if you haven't played it, you should.) but it was different than the night before because I was worried about my mum, I was thinking I need to let her know what time i'd be home...because I knew she wanted to do something that afternoon, and no matter how much fun I was having I couldn't get this nagging feeling out of my head like she was gonna be annoyed with me, or like I was letting her down. I have no idea why I let this happen to myself I should of been thinking to myself my mum knows i'm here having fun i am not a child anymore I do not have to feel bad about having fun, but noooooo my brain likes to think the worst and make me feel guilty about not being there for my mum, and then I feel guilty for my friend who has invited me to her house and deserves my full attention ahh!! So its safe to say that I was not completely letting go as much as I should of been But I thank my Friend for inviting me to the Haven and I shall be going back soon hopefully!
I am not going to talk to much about when I got home...because it was neither good or bad, I mean I don't think my mum was happy anyway, so I don't think it was necessarily anything that I did wrong. However the change in mood when I stepped into my house was so apparent, I have been trying to be pretty chirpy all day, because I genuinely have been in a good mood, but the word try is important, I feel like I have been trying so hard today, and putting so much effort into the day getting involved, talking, helping out, but somehow I still don't think it was enough. And all day topics have come up about moving back to uni, and when it comes up its like my brain flinches its like SAY THE MINIMUM YOU CAN ABOUT THIS TOPIC, and thats a scary thing for me, I am still very very confused about how i'm feeling it's like i want everyone to be happy, but that doesn't include me because it scares me to mention the topics that make me happy incase I am being selfish, or i'm not taking other people's views into consideration. I;m not so sure what to do really.
Its not like I have massive problems in my life at the moment, but that doesn't mean life is an easy ride and I know its not going to be, not for a while at least, but i'm struggling with myself and i'd like to think that I am not the only one out there that shuts down some of their emotions to please other people, and there may be some people out there who say thats not healthy or you shouldn't do that for others, but everyone does it at one point in there lives, whether its acting fine when you are ill just so you don't let someone down or like me not mentioning certain things just to spare a person Whatever it is we all have our ways of not showing our true emotions, but at what point does it become about running away from you feelings, rather than face it head on?
Am I trying too hard to act like something I'm not? or is this me? hrmm
That's my queue to stay up for hours on YouTube...haha!
Till tomorrow ...
Anyway...as I said at the end of my last post I stayed at my friends house last night, and it was everything I described it as, it was just like nothing had changed like we were the happy-go-lucky people we always were, and we talked about lots of stuff too, and i'm going to say the cliche thing that talking to someone about stuff does help, loads, especially when that person is an old friend and instead of looking at you like you are insane they nod and agree with everything you are saying...that is a huge bonus.
When I stay at her house it is honestly like stepping into the past, The same place I have been coming for years. Last night was a lot different to the night previously, instead of awkward silences, and not having much to talk about me and my friend talked about anything and everything whether it be the existance of aliens, or how catastrophic it is that 50 shades of Grey actually exists (I'd much prefer if alien did.) Yes, these things aren't the most important things to me at the moment but I loved not worrying about what I was saying, not worrying if I was talking about me too much, or whether I can just be happy and not feel guilty about it.
Which Brings me on to the following morning, or should i say afternoon...we woke up pretty late today. So me and my friend woke up and I was super happy to have a few more hours at this haven, sounds silly calling it that but my friend used this phrase and it is completely correct her house is a sort of haven where I can just completely let go...But anyway back to the flipping point....whilst we were playing more games (Time splitters 2- if you haven't played it, you should.) but it was different than the night before because I was worried about my mum, I was thinking I need to let her know what time i'd be home...because I knew she wanted to do something that afternoon, and no matter how much fun I was having I couldn't get this nagging feeling out of my head like she was gonna be annoyed with me, or like I was letting her down. I have no idea why I let this happen to myself I should of been thinking to myself my mum knows i'm here having fun i am not a child anymore I do not have to feel bad about having fun, but noooooo my brain likes to think the worst and make me feel guilty about not being there for my mum, and then I feel guilty for my friend who has invited me to her house and deserves my full attention ahh!! So its safe to say that I was not completely letting go as much as I should of been But I thank my Friend for inviting me to the Haven and I shall be going back soon hopefully!
I am not going to talk to much about when I got home...because it was neither good or bad, I mean I don't think my mum was happy anyway, so I don't think it was necessarily anything that I did wrong. However the change in mood when I stepped into my house was so apparent, I have been trying to be pretty chirpy all day, because I genuinely have been in a good mood, but the word try is important, I feel like I have been trying so hard today, and putting so much effort into the day getting involved, talking, helping out, but somehow I still don't think it was enough. And all day topics have come up about moving back to uni, and when it comes up its like my brain flinches its like SAY THE MINIMUM YOU CAN ABOUT THIS TOPIC, and thats a scary thing for me, I am still very very confused about how i'm feeling it's like i want everyone to be happy, but that doesn't include me because it scares me to mention the topics that make me happy incase I am being selfish, or i'm not taking other people's views into consideration. I;m not so sure what to do really.
Its not like I have massive problems in my life at the moment, but that doesn't mean life is an easy ride and I know its not going to be, not for a while at least, but i'm struggling with myself and i'd like to think that I am not the only one out there that shuts down some of their emotions to please other people, and there may be some people out there who say thats not healthy or you shouldn't do that for others, but everyone does it at one point in there lives, whether its acting fine when you are ill just so you don't let someone down or like me not mentioning certain things just to spare a person Whatever it is we all have our ways of not showing our true emotions, but at what point does it become about running away from you feelings, rather than face it head on?
Am I trying too hard to act like something I'm not? or is this me? hrmm
That's my queue to stay up for hours on YouTube...haha!
Till tomorrow ...
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