One day, I'm going to grow wings.

Hello!

Straight into it again, I was thinking yesterday what other parts of my self esteem do I struggle with and this took me down a scary rabbit hole, because when I started actually de-constructing this idea of low self esteem and what actual thoughts in my head I realised that it was maybe worse than I thought. 

I was actually a bit scared to write or post anything, because I didn't want to make myself seem, to put it bluntly stupid and damaged. But that is the exact reason I have decided screw it! If I want to help myself I need to come to terms with how I feel and who I am as a person, and I knew from the start that this was not going to be a smooth ride. However I hope it is worth it in the end.

So today I am going to talk about something that is not as heavy, for a Thursday afternoon.  Routine, see If you haven't guessed by now I consider myself a person who likes to organise, I like to make lists, make plans for the future, make sure I plan  my money well (which doesn't always go to plan.) Anyway you get the picture, I also like to have a routine, a purpose to get up out of bed in the morning. I think this is why I started writing this blog it was a chance for me to have some sort of schedule, something to stick to. The summer has kinda been all over the place and because generally day by day I am not doing much to keep my mind occupied I am thinking of all the things I could be doing, or all the things I am going to do when I move out and get some money. 

See I think that I thrive when I am busy, because right now I'm not going to lie I am soooo lazy! I don't like being lazy I don't but all these things I think I could be doing or should be doing I put off because my motivation levels are just at zero. However this makes me feel guilty, very guilty indeed, because I criticise and judge myself for all of these things, I complain about my weight, but if my mum offers to buy me chocolate or crisps I don't say no, I complain about boredom, but I don't do anything about it to change it, Which is frustrating to me but how frustrating is that to the people around me!

 I have the power to change the things that I don't like about myself, but I convince myself that it is a lost cause, or say I will start that diet on Monday. There's no point in liking organisation and planning if I can't organise myself. I mean I keep thinking everything will get better when I go back to University, That sounds harsh, I do love being back home, but I fill my days with endless nothingness, One thing I enjoy more at home though is cooking, like a proper meal, because I am cooking it for others, and when the actually enjoy it, that is even better. I think Routine keeps me busy and will stop me thinking to much about the if's and the but's of life, I need to stop saying I could do this, or I should do that and just start saying I can and I will! 

I think maybe tomorrow I will talk about what I am trying to avoid. 

We shall see! 

I think my song for today is this...Speaks for itself I think...Enjoy. 

"One day I'm going to Grow Wings."