Am I selfish?

Day 2: 21/08/2015

So I am just going to dive straight into it. Yesterday I didn't speak to anyone, verbally until around four o'clock till my mum came home from work. I realised that unless I am seeing anyone outside of my house it means my first real conversation of the day will be with my mum, which I now realise is extremely problematic, if i'm worrying about something or find out some news the person I am going to tell is my mum, as soon as I see her, because its human nature we need someone to talk to it's just inevitable. But when we weigh in the factor that she's just had a stressful day at work and also wants to talk to me about stuff it turns into this conversational battle where we are fighting to talk about ourselves..,which seems selfish to me, but I don't think its just that I think that we both are relying on each other too much. I think this happens to a lot of people whether it be to our parents, a friend or a partner theres always that someone that you may overload with information because you trust completely in one person instead of trusting lots of people with different aspects of your life.

So all day yesterday this was going through my head whilst trying to figure out what I can do to not seem 'selfish' at the same time as still being me? So when my mum came home from work its safe to say I was not super enthusiastic or chatty, we talked about some stuff, but nothing worth noting, just the mundane what do you want for tea, and comments about TV shows.., to be quite honest it was like I was engaging but also trying to examine the whole situation as it was happening. I was forcing conversation, forcing myself to make funny comments. When in reality I had nothing to say at all. Don't get me wrong I wasn't acting, those opinions I had about those TV shows were mine, but I felt like I was just filling the room with random words just so it wouldn't be silent, and I couldn't help but think would i have more to say if i was talking about myself and the truth is YES, absolutely. 

On and off whilst this was going on I was messaging my Friend we weren't having a deep meaningful conversation just talking about Uni and Jobs, but just with those little messages I felt like I was at least talking about something that mattered? 

Anyway, I said Yesterday that I would do some research, nothing heavy, I just wanted to see what the perception of selfishness is, because in my view its something negative, when someone calls you selfish its an insult? But when some celebrity or beauty vlogger says you need to feel self-love its this positive holy grail trait we all need to have? But where is the line? when Does self love Turn into Selfishness? 

So of course, I turned to Tumblr...full of quotes and people sometimes sharing good things. 

To me both of these are positive outlooks on being selfish. Above embracing your faults including being selfish, below letting people be selfish so that they can help themselves instead of everything being handed to them. Like being selfish is like an extension of independence. 

But the definition of selfishness is when you to put it lightly fail at thinking of others.

So this hasn't helped much, I don't think that I spend my every waking hour thinking about myself, but that's what a selfish person would say I guess? But before googling what self love actually meant I thought it was actually liking yourself feeling good about yourself that's why before this I figured I was selfish because I don't really have the confidence or self esteem to be self-loving, but by this definition self-love seems to just be about being aware of what makes you happy, being aware of the things you need to do to get the most out of your life?

To be quite honest this has just made me more confused...I think I am both trying to be happy whilst worrying about everything going wrong, so I panic, stress out, make lists and plans to re-affirm to myself that I can do it, But whilst doing this I become wrapped in this cluster fluff of myself and every possible thing that could go wrong with my plans, so the cycle continues, and at the same time i'm trying to think of my mum and help out, and make sure I talk to my friends, and make time for everyone. 

I am staying over my friends later on, which is exciting because she is an old friend, and with her I feel like I can be my biggest self? that sounds strange but it's like we play games, we share our likes and dislikes free of judgement, free of responsibility, like at the core we haven't changed and we can just have guiltless fun. Like I don't know obviously what goes on in her life day by day but I feel like she worries about a lot less than me, that's not to say she has less worries just that I worry about everything, so when I go over to hers it's kinda like we are 15 again, and we can be silly without anyone telling us we have to grow up or be something other than ourselves.

Which is an exciting prospect to me. Especially now because I have been feeling far from me, whatever that means, hopefully it will give me insight into my fun side.

I will keep you updated...

Till Tomorrow.