Wake up you need to make money!

Hello!

Well I am still not feeling great, didn't sleep to well last night, and then woke up with a headache so that was great. Things are starting to feel more and more stressful and I am trying my best to keep my cool. I think I am succeeding so far.

My feelings are a bit mixed at the moment, I am happy because I am going over to my friends again soon which is exciting, and gives me something to look forward to. However I am kind of sad because It will probably be the last time I see any of my friends from home for a while, and most of them I can't even see because I can't even afford to get the £3 train to go and meet up with them. I seriously do hate money. A normal person would say I hate money when I don't have it. Which is true it sucks that nearly everything we do in life is limited to money, but I hate having money too, because then you have to consider what you do with it and how to keep it. I was actually talking to my mum the other day about billionaires, after we watched some show on TV, because I do not understand what billionaires do with their money I mean I get that they invest in businesses or expand their own business, but after they have done that what do they do? Why do they need a house with 23 rooms and 11 bathrooms? No one needs that amount of money, a percentage of that is enough to live on for a lifetime. When did the world just become so greedy.

I know this is me just having a random rant, and I am hypocritical, because of course if I won a few million in the lottery I would do the usual boring thing, go on holiday, buy a nice house, give some to my family. Money just makes the world go around, ultimately it is why we choose do to what we do, I am in university to further my education so I can have a career and in turn make more money. Sometimes this just makes me confused and sad because in the near future I am going to have to make some difficult choices, and its going to be because of money. 

I see my mum struggling day by day working hard, but when she gets paid its gone in an instant, bills, food, and then poof its gone. When it comes to money nothing really seems to add up (excuse the pun.) because the cost to live in certain areas doesn't match up to the cost of the wages you get paid. This doesn't make sense to me, Money scares me. I know this sounds strange and irrelevant, but right now money is my main worry, it is probably what is stopping me from sleeping. 

I have been told all my life, been fed ideals through TV, movies, music, that you have to do what makes you happy, follow your dreams. But the harsh reality of life is that you need excellent circumstances to be able to survive and follow your dream. This is why money scares me, because if I am not careful with it, I will have to let go of my dreams, put them aside so that I can have a roof over my head. I just really don't want to screw that up, because if I can do what I want to do then I think I can succeed at it, and go far, I am willing to work so hard to get there. 

I guess only time will tell. 

I am sorry this was a bit random and ranty, but sometimes you need to get these things off of your chest. And if you haven't guessed from the title the song for today is this....Enjoy! 

Till tomorrow :) 

I like films...so I'm going to talk about some...

Hello!

I didn't sleep well again last night, and I am probably not going to sleep that well tonight either but we shall see. I haven't been feeling too great today, physically, I am okay nothing major just have had a headache all day, the kind that just lingers and stops you from really wanting to think about anything important or face anything. Yeah so I was a bit all over the place today I have not done anything productive, unless looking at shoes I can't afford is productive? Yeah I didn't think so. 

I have been feeling a bit off today and can't exactly pin down why. It is like from the moment I woke up this morning to now I have kind of just been coasting through the day not thinking about anything not doing very much and just being rather slow. Oh crap I hope I am not turning into a Sloth...hehe.

Anyway seeing as this is the most active I am going to be today I am going to make it count. I feel like talking about something that matters to me, which is an awful lot of things! So this is a little bit different, but just ranting about stuff I love is going to help me a lot. So I am going to talk about some of my favourite films...I am emphasising the SOME, because I love so many films and they all mean different things to me but I am going to just talk about these few that I will always come back to. Here goes. 

Firstly....

Yep, Monsters inc. This has a special place in my heart as it is one of the first Pixar films that I actually recall watching when I was young. It was one of the fist film that I used to annoyingly quote to my family. But what makes this film extra special for me is that I can watch it now and it still has the same effect on me now when I watch it I can still quote it, I still feel all the same emotions, I think this will always be a film that I love. 

Secondly...,

Philadelphia, this film out of the ones I am going to talk about today is the one that I have seen the least, I mean I have still watched it a fair few times just not back to back like the rest of these. So there is one specific scene that makes me fall in love with this film over and over again. So SPOILER ALERT...So Tom hanks' character Andrew Is suffering with Aids and fighting a court case, and there is a scene where he is going though some stuff with his lawyer Joe (Denzel Washington) and there is Italian opera playing in the background, and Andrew instead of focusing on what Joe is saying starts to explain what the singer is saying, every detail of her words and the pain in her voice. It is almost as if the character is talking us through his pain in the music, and Tom Hanks is spectacular throughout this and I cry every time at this scene and am left breathless every time. I love this because the acting is brilliant, but also it shows how powerful music can be and how it can turn a scene from being a man talking about pain to a scene where everyone feels the pain. 

Geez that was a long one.... Thirdly and Finally....

500 days of Summer. This has got to be up there with one of my favourite films of all time. Just because its funny, I love the actors in it, and the story is my kind of story. What I mean by that its both like a fairytale romance but with the harshness of reality. BRILLIANT. Again music matters to me, this was one of the first films that I owned the soundtrack to. I love that the story is narrated, its being told but without it being patronising or boring. If I were to recommend a film to someone to watch it would be this one just because it's a film that isn't trying to be something its not. 

So that was a bit random but it certainly helped me to concentrate on something! I like a lot of things, and being able to talk about them and share what makes them special to me, makes me feel content. I could talk for hours about stuff I like. And I probably will....:)

And my song for today is this...enjoy! 

Till tomorrow... 

Best Friends with Doubt.

Hello!

I am writing this a lot later than usual because I spent the day with my mum at the seaside which was lovely, We took our 2p's and went to all the arcades (didn't win anything which sucks) but it was still fun! I am glad that we both could let things go for at least some of it, and development we did talk about pretty big stuff about me moving back out and the past and the future. Over all it was just really lovely...And here's some photo's to prove it!

Lemon ice cream!

That's my mum...losing...hehe

Sea! (I live in Wales it was not warm enough for people to be swimming...madness!)

However, as much as I would love to make this a post all about my nice day down the seaside, that is not what I started writing this for. I mainly started writing this because I wanted to ramble about how I was feeling and what was going on in my head to try and help myself, because I am getting fed up of not dealing with myself. 

So anyway, the main issue that is bothering me at the moment is the fact I am getting bouts of insomnia, now this sounds like something scary and big, and it can be in some cases, but sometimes people have insomnia and don'e even realise it. Basically it's to do with sleep, well lack of it. It can be anything from just having difficulty falling asleep to having an interrupted sleep. Now this isn't the first time that I have had some insomnia and it will probably not be the last. There's many causes of this, and I'm not a Doctor so I don't know all of them I can only speak from my own experience, and the cause for me is stress.

Yes that awful word stress that we all can't escape from. I must sound like a broken record but it is like that my brain just is constantly doubting my plans and decisions, I am starting to think that I have no hope that anything I plan will go right. This I know is stupid because it is not the end of the world, I have made sure that nothing major can go wrong, and even if it does I am pretty sure I will not be left in a rut on my own. However I am one of those people who would rather soak up everyone's problems and issues and help them than deal with my own. Now this I think is one of my best traits, because I am genuinely very empathetic and care about people, but that being said I build up this worry in my head. I need to have more confidence in my ability to help myself as well as helping others. See I think, emphasis on the think, that I am a good person and a good friend sometimes and that I good give advice. But now I am just one of those frustrating people that can't take their own advice. 

Nonetheless like I said above I had a very good chat with my mum today about lots of random stuff but it made me feel good that she didn't laugh or roll her eyes when I told her about the stuff I want to do in the future. I am not 100% sure why I think she would of but sometimes I when I am researching and planning stuff I do say to myself can I actually do this? I am still not sure but only time will tell, I can't see my stress levels going down any time soon, I am moving back out in just over two weeks, I am so not prepared. I think I am going to do a proper organise tomorrow, get sorted I think if I write things down - as I have mentioned, It kind of reaffirms plans in my head and then maybe I will stop worrying about everything. 

And my song for today is this....Because you just can't beat a bit of E.L.O.

Till tomorrow...

The Good in Today.

Hello!

So I know I said yesterday that I may tackle something difficult, but I got something special in the mail this morning and it has put me in a super good mood, and I don't feel like putting too much of a downer. 

Before I say anything though I will say yesterday was challenging, it was challenging because we had to organise travel for when I move back to University, and because nether me or my mum drive this is quite difficult and we have to get the train, which is not cheap. I don't have any source of income at the moment and I won't get my student loan until my classes start in late September, Which means my mum has to basically pay for everything which sucks. However like I said I am in too good of a mood to dwell on things I can't change, I am gonna put my organising skills to good use and plan absolutely everything, down to the last penny. I want my mum to feel comfortable and not have to worry about too much, and it will help me too because safe to say yesterday I was stressing out a lot. However I did not keep it bottled up to myself, I reached out to a friend, told them what was going on and it really did help, Just getting what's bothering you out there is helpful, so its not stuck in your head all the time. And I want to thank my friend (you know who you are) for letting me ramble on and taking my mind off of it! 

Anyway on to the good news! I think these pictures explain it all...

We received the save the Dates for my Brother and his fiancé's wedding! They moved to New Zealand a year ago and they are so happy there and it makes me so happy that they love it out there. They are having the wedding in the UK though, but YAY! This news on its own was amazing I was super happy that there is a cemented date I can put in my diary and count down to! There was another letter in the mail today though....

When I saw this I honestly just giggled to myself because it was so adorable, also because of the fact they are on the other side of the world but they still managed to make me feel so special, and needed. Which is a feeling that I don't get that often! But this honestly did make me feel so elated. I do love my brother and his Fiancé they have helped me and I miss them so much because they are so far away but this time next year they will be married and she will be my sister-in-law, and the thought of that is honestly amazing because she is exactly the kind of sister I would of wanted! Safe to say I am excited! (I do have 5 brothers btw but more on that in the future haha) Of course the prospect of having to find a dress is daunting, but I honestly don't give a shit they can put me in a bin bag if they wanted and I'd still be happy for them....I mean I kinda hope they don't make me wear a bin bag...but that is not the point, next year is looking to be a wonderful year, and I think I am going to make sure that it is! 

Song of the day is this, Dedicated to my Brother and His Fiancé....EEEEE!!

P.S. 5SOS's new music is awesome...that is all. 

I hope you all find some good in today. 

Till tomorrow!

One day, I'm going to grow wings.

Hello!

Straight into it again, I was thinking yesterday what other parts of my self esteem do I struggle with and this took me down a scary rabbit hole, because when I started actually de-constructing this idea of low self esteem and what actual thoughts in my head I realised that it was maybe worse than I thought. 

I was actually a bit scared to write or post anything, because I didn't want to make myself seem, to put it bluntly stupid and damaged. But that is the exact reason I have decided screw it! If I want to help myself I need to come to terms with how I feel and who I am as a person, and I knew from the start that this was not going to be a smooth ride. However I hope it is worth it in the end.

So today I am going to talk about something that is not as heavy, for a Thursday afternoon.  Routine, see If you haven't guessed by now I consider myself a person who likes to organise, I like to make lists, make plans for the future, make sure I plan  my money well (which doesn't always go to plan.) Anyway you get the picture, I also like to have a routine, a purpose to get up out of bed in the morning. I think this is why I started writing this blog it was a chance for me to have some sort of schedule, something to stick to. The summer has kinda been all over the place and because generally day by day I am not doing much to keep my mind occupied I am thinking of all the things I could be doing, or all the things I am going to do when I move out and get some money. 

See I think that I thrive when I am busy, because right now I'm not going to lie I am soooo lazy! I don't like being lazy I don't but all these things I think I could be doing or should be doing I put off because my motivation levels are just at zero. However this makes me feel guilty, very guilty indeed, because I criticise and judge myself for all of these things, I complain about my weight, but if my mum offers to buy me chocolate or crisps I don't say no, I complain about boredom, but I don't do anything about it to change it, Which is frustrating to me but how frustrating is that to the people around me!

 I have the power to change the things that I don't like about myself, but I convince myself that it is a lost cause, or say I will start that diet on Monday. There's no point in liking organisation and planning if I can't organise myself. I mean I keep thinking everything will get better when I go back to University, That sounds harsh, I do love being back home, but I fill my days with endless nothingness, One thing I enjoy more at home though is cooking, like a proper meal, because I am cooking it for others, and when the actually enjoy it, that is even better. I think Routine keeps me busy and will stop me thinking to much about the if's and the but's of life, I need to stop saying I could do this, or I should do that and just start saying I can and I will! 

I think maybe tomorrow I will talk about what I am trying to avoid. 

We shall see! 

I think my song for today is this...Speaks for itself I think...Enjoy. 

"One day I'm going to Grow Wings."

Hey, You Look Good Today....

Hello again!

So today I want to talk to about something that for me is difficult to talk about, not that everything else is a walk in the park but anyway I want to talk about self esteem. I mentioned in a previous post that my self esteem is particularly low, and that’s for various reasons. I think I will make a few posts covering different aspects of self esteem, and the things I struggle with personally and the things I can do to improve my own self esteem. This is not something that will be fixed over night, it will take a while but I think people often blur the line between self esteem and self confidence, They are two very similar things and they do share common traits, but to me they are separate issues.


 I am confident with speaking to new people, I can do a presentation in front of a class, I am not afraid to express my opinion if I think you are wrong. However this does not mean that I am confident with who I am as a person, and this is why I think this is a self esteem issue and not a self confidence issue. I can  speak to a friend of my mums, but if they give me a compliment I clam up, like why is this stranger saying these things. Just stop, I definitely know that I am not the only person in the world that does it, It seems to me that in the world today it is rare to find anyone that will believe a compliment about themselves, which saddens me. 

That is the first thing I want to talk about, the fact that sometimes you can honestly just feel like you aren't worthy for someone to give you a compliment, my friends can vouch for me on this one, it is just not something I want to hear. But this makes me annoying to be around, always making comments about my appearance; this top makes me look fat, oh no it doesn't you look fine...why then can I not just say thanks friend that’s what I needed, No I am quite insistent that I know best and they are just saying it. See SO ANNOYING.

I can admit to myself that I do this and it is even starting to get on my nerves, but it’s not something that can just change however I am determined to work on how to improve my self esteem and step one, when given a compliment I will just accept it, okay I'm not inundated with endless compliments but when it happens I am just going to  believe it, after all if people didn't think I was worthy of the compliment they wouldn't say it. So I am going to try and work it and embrace it!

I tell people off all the time for putting themselves down, my friends, my mum, so I think it’s about time I start being stricter with myself. So this is on top of the list of project me! I think it is about time that I start to be a little less down on myself and a little more Beyonce. Self esteem is one of those things that is a bitch to overcome and improve. Nonetheless I am going to take it day by day and who knows! 

And for the song of the day if you haven't guessed yet, who other than Queen B. Enjoy. 

Stop Waiting! JUST DO IT!

Okay, back to the real talk, So yesterday I did remain in a pretty good mood all day I wasn't particularly productive, read some emails, put up another blog  post that hopefully was helpful to someone, and I spoke to a few of my friends. However like I mentioned yesterday I just have this constant nagging feeling in my brain. I have also been thinking a lot about the amount of stuff I should say to people then don't, or I just don’t speak to them at all...this then sends me into dark places where I start thinking about the people who are missing from my life, the people I don’t speak to enough and then end up pretty down on myself which isn't good.

I just hope I'm not alone in feeling this way, and most of the time I just feel like an awful person? I don't even know, I mean it’s not like I'm evil I don't go out of my way to hurt people, and I am a terrible liar. I just can't get that thought out of my head. One thing that sticks out for me that I can talk about now is the fact that sometimes I think I am a complete failure as a friend, Like I don't get this feeling all the time of course, but last year I shut myself away from the people I needed close and I think I haven't quite gotten used to not being in that frame of mind, it’s like there is always a barrier up with me and I don't know why, even with my friends who I have known for years and should know me I still feel like I hide too much of myself away from them, which I want to stop doing because I don't want to lose any of my friends, especially now I need them more than ever.

I don't know why it seems sometimes that I just make my life so much more difficult than it needs to be, and the worst part is I know I'm doing it. One minute I can think logically to myself ‘right Keeley get off your ass and do something!’ and the next minute I come up with an excuse to not do it. That’s the fear again, the fear that I will mess up or that I'm not good enough. I don't think there is a day I can go where I don’t worry about one thing or another, the worst part is sometimes it’s just me being cautious which is mostly a good thing and then it’s just restricting how I live my life day to day.

Nevertheless I think there are a lot of people out there who think from time to time that they are not good enough, or think I won’t text this friend if they wanted to speak to me they can. But If there’s one piece of advice I can give you and also to myself it’s just to reach out, if there’s someone you are holding back from talking to, but there’s an ounce of you that wants to know how they are Don't wait, because the longer you leave it the more hurt you will get. Just pick up your phone, or open Facebook, or whatever and just say Hi, The worst that will happen is that they don't reply, but then who's the douche you for trying or them for losing you? 

Anyway I am gonna try be productive today, kind of, I should be organising stuff ready for me to move out, but I still am finding it hard to think about that at the moment. 

oh! Also as I said previously Music, among other things helps me a lot so I am gonna start doing my song of the day, today its this, Enjoy. 

Till Tomorrow! :) 

University Essentials

So I can’t be productive with my own life...but I have time to hopefully help some people out.     

      

This is something different, I know that a lot of people just got their exam results, and some people will be getting ready to go to university, as I’m going into my second year of university I have already been through my own panic of buying new things to move out into the big wide world! So I thought I would share with you some advice I have on some essential (and not so essential) things you can get to make your first year of university a little bit smoother! I have also included a document you can download and print off as a mini check list and also add the things that I probably have forgotten. I will also include some honourable mentions; these go past the basic necessities but are still worth noting.

Some good shops that are good value for money are, Wilko, Argos, Ikea, Tesco, Asda ect.

Anyway here we go.

Kitchen Essentials.

Yes unfortunately, a downside to going to university and moving out is the fact that you will have to cook for yourself...If you are not fond of cooking then this may be a daunting prospect, for me it was a chance to cook different things for myself and teach myself some new recipes, but anyway these are some of the basics that you may need;   

Before I go into this Argos have a range of kitchen starter kits from £19.99. http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/1450130.htm

•   Pots and pans. You don’t need a whole bunch of these, three two or three pots will do.
•   Frying pan. Defiantly essential for the late night toasties.
•  Plates. You can buy crockery separately, but for good value for money you can buy sets of four which usually include large and small plates,and bowls, Wilko have a good selection from £5
• Bowls. (See Above)
• Glasses prices start at 50p from wilko
• Cups These are essential for me, can’t live without a cup of tea! You can get a range of different novelty mugs nowadays (I am starting a collection)
• Cutlery Again you can buy separate knives, forks and spoon, however to be more cost effective you can get sets of four from various shops.
• Utensils.  Including; a vegetable peeler, tin opener, colander, wooden spoon, spatula, food scissors, whisk, cheese grater, pizza cutter
•  Knives 3-4 good knives that will last a good while. Make sure to get different sizes and types for all your chopping needs!
• Chopping board.
• Baking tray 2-3 different sizes.
• Tea towels With cooking comes dishes, you will need something to dry your dishes with as unfortunately there may not be enough space to leave your dishes on the draining board.
• Honourable mentions; Mixing bowl, Weighing scales, bottle opener, plastic containers,

 What you need for your new room.

• Bedding  Make sure you find out before hand whether you will have a single or double bed, then go wild!
•  Sheets Get two sheets, so you can wash one
•  Duvet Ikea have a good selection of duvets.
• Pillows
• Blanket Good for extra comfort and to keep warm.
• Cushions I’d say for extra comfort, but who are we kidding they just look nice on the bed.
• Lamp  Most University accommodations will have installed desk lamps, but you may want an extra one by your bed.
• Clothes Hangers. Unless you want an organised floordrobe these are a must.
• Hair dryer/tongs/curler
• Honourable mentions; Posters, Photos, decorative items (fairy lights, ornaments)  

Stationary

• Diary This is essential to keep organised 
• Folders Good to keep different modules separated, so when it comes to revision you are prepared.
• Calendar Good to note down important events you have, and also birthdays and things of your new flatmates.
• Notebooks you will need plenty of notepads, try to get different sizes
•  Pens
• Pencils
• Highlighters
• Sticky notes
•  Stapler
• Pins If you are going into University accommodation the walls will be covered in notice boards that will mean you will need plenty of these to pin up all the random scraps of paper you will collect up during your first year.
• Course books. You may not need these right away, but it is good to do some research before you start your course into what text books you will be using so you don’t get a shock when you get started
•  Blue/white tack
•   Honourable mentions; Sharpies/markers, paper clips, hole punch, printer.

Toiletries

•  Shampoo
• Conditioner
• Sponge/cloth
• Bath towels
• Hand towels 
• Tooth brush
• Tooth paste
• Shower gel
• Deodorant
• Sanitary towels/tampons
• Razors
• Honourable mentions; face wipes, cleanser, moisturiser, toner, make-up, nail varnish remover, hair spray.

Phew!  This may seem like a lot of stuff, but you can never be too prepared, plus there are most definitely things that I have forgotten to mention but hopefully this list will help as a starter.

Till tomorrow.... 

Oh Darling I was Blind to Let you Go!

24/08/2015

Hello! 

After yesterday I think I am feeling a bit better. I think It's because I practically have been non-stop listening to music, which always helps. Gives you a chance to think whilst maybe having a little foot tap at the same time. Anyway I will talk about music another time.

Yesterday was a good day, I feel like no one can really have a bad sunday, just because on a sunday everything stops, or slows down for the day. So I had a good day woke up put my spotify playlist on, cleaned a bit, then was happily browsing the internet all day and catching up with YouTube...Typical. 

Nonetheless it was not the most productive of days but its the best I have felt in a while, Just because I was being me, at least what I think is me, badly singing to songs, looking at pictures of 5sos, baking, and just generally being a happy version of myself. At this point in time its hard to feel negative about things, because I am not really thinking about it, I know in the next couple of days things are gonna get a bit hectic and i'm not gonna be as chilled as I seem now but I think I may have to embrace this feeling because who knows how long it will last.

MUKE!

So today I'm gonna try and stay in the same frame of mind. I mean I should maybe start the long reading list that I have for University...But....I doubt thats gonna happen! I mean I do want to focus more on university work and keep my head down this year, but I think I can procrastinate for a few more days...haha!

In the back of my mind I still kinda think this mood isn't gonna last very long. Which saddens me that I even live life like that, like I question myself when I'm happy, like I said previously it's like i'm waiting for something to go wrong. But hopefully that won't happen. 

For now I shall leave you with this...

No one's day can start bad if it starts with this....

There may be a new post a little bit later....

a different sort of post...

who knows!

Till then 

IDEK! aka I'm just really confused.

23/08/2015

Hello there!

Last night I was pretty stuck on how I was feeling, i was confused to say the least. Before I go into this I just want to clarify that i'm just a 19 year old who is trying to figure themselves out, these posts some times may get a little heavy and sometimes may seem a little bit emotionally void but that's because I am trying to be as honest as I can be, in order to help myself and hopefully others along the way, because feelings and emotions are difficult, they are complex , so when you are going through all that plus trying to deal with everyday life sometimes it can just get a bit too much. Hopefully someone out there can identify with the feelings I am going through. Which at the moment is total confusion.

Anywho, back to the point. So last night I was just a bit perplexed shall we say? I couldn't figure out why I tried so hard during the day? What was I trying to accomplish? Was it to cheer my mum up? or Was it to cheer myself up? See i'm leaning towards the latter, despite it seeming selfish, thinking back to it and replaying situations in my head its like I would desperately try to cling on to any scrap of conversation so that I wouldn't be stuck with this sad silence. The more I think back the more I think was I actually feeling chirpy all day and night? The answer is no, to be honest towards the evening I felt quite drained. Confused yet? Because I know I am! I was convincing myself that I was in a good mood because I was trying so hard to be, and I think I have figured out why I did this, and why people do it everyday. Its to convince ourselves and everyone around us that we are OKAY. Its easier to say yeah I was pretty chirpy all day, instead of I was chirpy until I walked into my house, then it kinda got kicked out of me, then I was okay again, then I was panicky, then I felt like shutting the world away, then I was okay again..then I was tired.....Bit of a mouthful, so I plumped for the one I thought I was and tried to be all day, I'm not lying at all but everyone does this, and we do it because it's easy to do.

Despite all this I am still confused, I still am unsure about who I am, or better still who I am trying to be. I convince myself that I am happy and I am living my life for me, but then sometimes I feel like that I am doing everything wrong, that I am not a good person at all, and that I am not worth peoples time. It's like two different Keeley's, The positive, bubbly Keeley that gets excited about Doctor who and Cherry Coke. Then there's the negative Keeley, That puts herself down at every opportunity, that constantly worries about everything because she thinks she will mess up. Right now I think I am neither, I am in between them both...I'm trying to be positive about things to come, Moving in to my new place, seeing my friends. But I can't get excited, because I am also worrying about everything else, money, leaving family and friends, and also being thrown back into a social environment again. 

If you haven't seen inside out GO NOW it is incredible. But I think this Shows wonderfully how strange emotions are and how each one overlaps sometimes. (Side note- I don't own this image) 

But while writing this it has helped me to admit to myself that maybe I do act up a certain emotion just because its the easy thing to do, just because deep down sometimes we don't want someone to ask if we are okay, because we aren't. I don't think this is a bad thing, because I think that's just human nature, we solve problems however we can. Does this make me a dishonest person though? Am I hiding my true self away just for the sake of not kicking up a fuss?

We shall see...

till tomorrow....

Fear of Happiness?

Day 3: 22/08/2015

So, in my last post I was very analytical about my feelings, and it did help. It helped to deconstruct situations in way to help me think more about who I am as a person.

Anyway...as I said at the end of my last post I stayed at my friends house last night, and it was everything I described it as, it was just like nothing had changed like we were the happy-go-lucky people we always were, and we talked about lots of stuff too, and i'm going to say the cliche thing that talking to someone about stuff does help, loads, especially when that person is an old friend and instead of looking at you like you are insane they nod and agree with everything you are saying...that is a huge bonus.

When I stay at her house it is honestly like stepping into the past, The same place I have been coming for years. Last night was a lot different to the night previously, instead of awkward silences, and not having much to talk about me and my friend talked about anything and everything whether it be the existance of aliens, or how catastrophic it is that 50 shades of Grey actually exists (I'd much prefer if alien did.) Yes, these things aren't the most important things to me at the moment but I loved not worrying about what I was saying, not worrying if I was talking about me too much, or whether I can just be happy and not feel guilty about it.

 Which Brings me on to the following morning, or should i say afternoon...we woke up pretty late today.  So me and my friend woke up and I was super happy to have a few more hours at this haven, sounds silly calling it that but my friend used this phrase and it is completely correct her house is a sort of haven where I can just completely let go...But anyway back to the flipping point....whilst we were playing more games (Time splitters 2- if you haven't played it, you should.)  but it was different than the night before because I was worried about my mum, I was thinking I need to let her know what time i'd be home...because I knew she wanted to do something that afternoon, and no matter how much fun I was having I couldn't get this nagging feeling out of my head like she was gonna be annoyed with me, or like I was letting her down. I have no idea why I let this happen to myself I should of been thinking to myself my mum knows i'm here having fun i am not a child anymore I do not have to feel bad about having fun, but noooooo my brain likes to think the worst and make me feel guilty about not being there for my mum, and then I feel guilty for my friend who has invited me to her house and deserves my full attention ahh!! So its safe to say that I was not completely letting go as much as I should of been But I thank my Friend for inviting me to the Haven and I shall be going back soon hopefully!


I am not going to talk to much about when I got home...because it was neither good or bad, I mean I don't think my mum was happy anyway, so I don't think it was necessarily anything that I did wrong. However the change in mood when I stepped into my house was so apparent, I have been trying to be pretty chirpy all day, because I genuinely have been in a good mood, but the word try is important, I feel like I have been trying so hard today, and putting so much effort into the day getting involved, talking, helping out, but somehow I still don't think it was enough. And all day topics have come up about moving back to uni, and when it comes up its like my brain flinches its like SAY THE MINIMUM YOU CAN ABOUT THIS TOPIC, and thats a scary thing for me, I am still very very confused about how i'm feeling it's like i want everyone to be happy, but that doesn't include me because it scares me to mention the topics that make me happy incase I am being selfish, or i'm not taking other people's views into consideration. I;m not so sure what to do really.

Its not like I have massive problems in my life at the moment, but that doesn't mean life is an easy ride and I know its not going to be, not for a while at least, but i'm struggling with myself and i'd like to think that I am not the only one out there that shuts down some of their emotions to please other people, and there may be some people out there who say thats not healthy or you shouldn't do that for others, but everyone does it at one point in there lives, whether its acting fine when you are ill just so you don't let someone down or like me not mentioning certain things just to spare a person Whatever it is we all have our ways of not showing our true emotions, but at what point does it become about running away from you feelings, rather than face it head on?
Am I trying too hard to act like something I'm not? or is this me? hrmm

That's my queue to stay up for hours on YouTube...haha!
Till tomorrow ...

Am I selfish?

Day 2: 21/08/2015

So I am just going to dive straight into it. Yesterday I didn't speak to anyone, verbally until around four o'clock till my mum came home from work. I realised that unless I am seeing anyone outside of my house it means my first real conversation of the day will be with my mum, which I now realise is extremely problematic, if i'm worrying about something or find out some news the person I am going to tell is my mum, as soon as I see her, because its human nature we need someone to talk to it's just inevitable. But when we weigh in the factor that she's just had a stressful day at work and also wants to talk to me about stuff it turns into this conversational battle where we are fighting to talk about ourselves..,which seems selfish to me, but I don't think its just that I think that we both are relying on each other too much. I think this happens to a lot of people whether it be to our parents, a friend or a partner theres always that someone that you may overload with information because you trust completely in one person instead of trusting lots of people with different aspects of your life.

So all day yesterday this was going through my head whilst trying to figure out what I can do to not seem 'selfish' at the same time as still being me? So when my mum came home from work its safe to say I was not super enthusiastic or chatty, we talked about some stuff, but nothing worth noting, just the mundane what do you want for tea, and comments about TV shows.., to be quite honest it was like I was engaging but also trying to examine the whole situation as it was happening. I was forcing conversation, forcing myself to make funny comments. When in reality I had nothing to say at all. Don't get me wrong I wasn't acting, those opinions I had about those TV shows were mine, but I felt like I was just filling the room with random words just so it wouldn't be silent, and I couldn't help but think would i have more to say if i was talking about myself and the truth is YES, absolutely. 

On and off whilst this was going on I was messaging my Friend we weren't having a deep meaningful conversation just talking about Uni and Jobs, but just with those little messages I felt like I was at least talking about something that mattered? 

Anyway, I said Yesterday that I would do some research, nothing heavy, I just wanted to see what the perception of selfishness is, because in my view its something negative, when someone calls you selfish its an insult? But when some celebrity or beauty vlogger says you need to feel self-love its this positive holy grail trait we all need to have? But where is the line? when Does self love Turn into Selfishness? 

So of course, I turned to Tumblr...full of quotes and people sometimes sharing good things. 

To me both of these are positive outlooks on being selfish. Above embracing your faults including being selfish, below letting people be selfish so that they can help themselves instead of everything being handed to them. Like being selfish is like an extension of independence. 

But the definition of selfishness is when you to put it lightly fail at thinking of others.

So this hasn't helped much, I don't think that I spend my every waking hour thinking about myself, but that's what a selfish person would say I guess? But before googling what self love actually meant I thought it was actually liking yourself feeling good about yourself that's why before this I figured I was selfish because I don't really have the confidence or self esteem to be self-loving, but by this definition self-love seems to just be about being aware of what makes you happy, being aware of the things you need to do to get the most out of your life?

To be quite honest this has just made me more confused...I think I am both trying to be happy whilst worrying about everything going wrong, so I panic, stress out, make lists and plans to re-affirm to myself that I can do it, But whilst doing this I become wrapped in this cluster fluff of myself and every possible thing that could go wrong with my plans, so the cycle continues, and at the same time i'm trying to think of my mum and help out, and make sure I talk to my friends, and make time for everyone. 

I am staying over my friends later on, which is exciting because she is an old friend, and with her I feel like I can be my biggest self? that sounds strange but it's like we play games, we share our likes and dislikes free of judgement, free of responsibility, like at the core we haven't changed and we can just have guiltless fun. Like I don't know obviously what goes on in her life day by day but I feel like she worries about a lot less than me, that's not to say she has less worries just that I worry about everything, so when I go over to hers it's kinda like we are 15 again, and we can be silly without anyone telling us we have to grow up or be something other than ourselves.

Which is an exciting prospect to me. Especially now because I have been feeling far from me, whatever that means, hopefully it will give me insight into my fun side.

I will keep you updated...

Till Tomorrow. 

ME, MYSELF AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING FEELINGS.

20/08/2015: Day 1 : 

Emotionless Emotions.

context: I am back at Home for Summer from University. I had an arguement with my mum yesterday over something trivial but I started to think about things, so I thought I would start this, So lets go. 

After yesterday I just kind of feel empty like not numb because I kind of feel sad but then I’m  tying to be happy because I can’t be sad otherwise they will notice that something is up. I am okay I just feel like for the longest time I have had people telling me how to be me and I guess it’s gotten to the point now where I don’t know who I am, I thought I knew I was happy in myself feeling positive about how my life was going but now I'm not so sure. I wanted to talk to my friend yesterday but I didn't want to ruin their day and I also didn't really know what I was meant to say  -Hi Friend I'm emotionally unstable? Anyway...I haven’t spoken to anyone and I don’t think I can because I don’t want to be selfish (which is confusing the hell out of me.) And this Is why I have started this, Typing and hoping that I will find some answers I guess.

 I'm trying so hard to be happy and content but I keep thinking these bad thoughts, bad thoughts about myself who I am and whether if I am worthy of this life, which sounds incredibly bad but I think once in a while everyone gets down on themselves maybe not to this extent but nevertheless I do want these thoughts to go away because I know that’s not who I am, but it is hard to know what to believe anymore. 

Its seems like the people I care most about don’t like me completely flaws and all, but maybe I just have too many flaws? I don't know. Firstly my Ex, and especially my mum, it’s like she’s constantly mad at me because I'm not being me, well the me she knows at least? I mean I know that’s not true she is not constantly mad at me and she loves me but these are the thoughts going through my head.

 I don’t even know I'm just rambling, I know I messed up yesterday but I don’t know how to act now, I don’t know what I'm meant to say or do, in my head I am constantly just thinking of how to make everyone happy and that’s including myself but I can’t think like that anymore, I don’t think? I don’t know but I thought by writing this down I can be sort of be selfish through this so I'm not selfish IRL, I guess? I don’t know one minute everyone’s like think about you do what you need to do but I don’t think they really mean that anymore, I think what they should say is worry about yourself a moderate amount but then also think about how to remain happy, calm and free whilst worrying about others as well so you don’t look like a douche...Yeah Hopefully this little thing will help, 

Basically a journey of all my emotions.This isn't written well and it wont be because its just what I'm feeling at the time and a stream of consciousness. 

I will try to write this daily maybe a summary of how I'm feeling but also a commentary of how I should feel vs. how I actually do feel? That seems so stupid to write because I shouldn't have to feel anything, but then why do I feel like I'm feeling the wrong way all the time?

Damn that’s a lot of Feelings....

So today I think whilst trying to be completely sane and trying to feel the right things I'm gonna be thinking about what it means to be selfish? When are we being to selfish? When did selfish become a such a negative word...I shall do some research...

Until tomorrow