Hello Again,

It's been a while but I need to get back into this. 

I am now in my final year of Uni and that means I am busy, well, in theory, I am meant to be constantly working like everyone else is. 

But the truth is I could not be less motivated to do work. It is like I know the deadlines are getting closer and closer but I feel so far away from them. I am not even stressed exactly just down about having to do it. 

I am starting to worry that this is not just laziness or the typical student procrastination. I think I am just trying to prolong the inevitable - the end of university. 

I didn't have the greatest start to university and now feels like it is finally good and it's all ending and the truth is that I do not want it to end. I am gonna miss it. The problem is that by prolonging the inevitable I am leaving things to the last minute and it is making me act like I don't care which isn't true! 

I am just feeling the pressure of having to go out in the big wide world and not rely on the 'student' label to get me through, It is the fear that when I am no longer a student that I will just be stuck in a 9-5 job with no fulfilment, no down time. Which does not have to come true but it is always in the back of mind. I don't like change and I don't like things coming to an end. 

Most days I am really positive about it and trying to make a plan of where my life is going to go next but I have no motivation to act on all these plans in my head, because as soon as I act it means it's actually happening and I have to leave this huge part of my life. 

I don't know how to get motivation but I want to try, I care so much about doing well and proving the universe wrong that I came out of a rough patch and can do it, but sometimes I just have nights (like tonight) where I don't do anything and mindlessly watch random films and TV shows and drink half a bottle of wine....sad I know but we all have days like this, but it's how we get  out of them that determines how we are going to cope through life. 

So I will try not to get into a rut and over think it too much but it won't be easy. I have people in my life now that support me and make me happy but at these times I seem to push them away the most because I don't want to take up their time because they are going through exactly the same things but they have the getup and go to work every day. I need to take them as examples and have the same motivation that they have! 

Anyway not the most upbeat return to writing but this is what is going on in my life at the moment. 

Here's the song for the day. 

Till the next time...

HK

Sleep Wars : The Anxiety Strikes Back.

Hello There!

So yeah....it's been a while. Lots has happened over the past few months, some really great things and some not so great. I'm not gonna go into that all that much but I'm sure I will mention some things at a later date.

But as you can tell from the title this post is about anxiety. Last night I had my first anxiety attack for a while. Which made it a bitch to get to sleep so consequently I am feeling gross this morning. It's exam season so panicking and stress is natural but it is disconcerting when you have been doing fairly well to have an attack you start to wonder if its all flooding back. It is sometimes hard to feel like you have complete control over yourself especially if you are dealing with anxiety. On the one hand you think you are coping really well and then your body and brain is like Naaahh you are still a mess. I guess I wanted to write this post to just remind myself that my anxiety is still there but also reassure myself that I can handle it.

Anxiety comes in many different forms and it is different for everyone. I stress about lots of things, sometimes they are so insignificant people look at me like I am crazy like why are you getting stressed about something so minuscule. But I over think and worry and essentially think that only bad things can happen. Most days I feel stupid/silly, and I am constantly worried about what others think of me. I make up scenarios in my head constantly and sometimes it does feel extremely difficult to focus on whats happening in the moment. I'm always too focused on what is gonna go wrong tomorrow. That being said lately I have been handling it reasonably well. I am trying to take life slowly day by day and not over plan things but I still have a lot of work to do. At night is when my anxiety tends to be worse I have no distractions from the thoughts in my head which mostly consists of,  'what if this happens, what if I cant do that thing, why am I so useless' and so on. This for me is very annoying it makes me question whether the progress I make is actually real and also I wanna get to sleep and my head is like ahhhhhh! 

Eventually, after browsing websites looking at scented candles,copper plant pots and Makeup. I got to sleep.

The truth is I was scared last night, I kept thinking that I cant be bad again and I have to push  everything down, what if everyone finds out I can't cope. But then I realised in this point in my life I couldn't be surrounded by better people. I have support, people who I can talk to if it does get too much and just thinking that made me happy knowing that although the anxiety and stress is still there at the surface I'm still gonna laugh more than panic because I have people around me that I can joke with and they bring me back down to earth and away from the negative thoughts. 

This isn't advice it's my self help I know everyone has different experiences and copes differently  and I don't know what is gonna happen in the future but right now I have no time to be scared I just have to focus on my exams and focus on the things that make me happy. Everyone is moving about so quickly and days are flying by but as long as each day you can think of one thing that makes you really happy you will want to take in every moment. 

Here is the song for today :) I needed this this morning! 

Till the next time!! 

Never Stopping!

Hello there!!

I have literally not stopped. As you can imagine the first weeks of university are hectic and you are being handed everything and are just expected to be able to do it all with out complaint. I am slowly getting there though. The work is hard and I have had a few moments where I have just wanted to scream and give up. But I haven't I have carried on and actually spoken to people when I feel upset or feel like the weight of the world is too much.

I have actually put myself out there this year and I am doing things that I would of never believed I have the courage to do. Firstly I am volunteering for a children's charity, This on its own was enough to make me happy, but I have also been asked to help out with Media marketing, working with Twitter and helping out with press releases. I even get the opportunity to be a part of the committee. I am just so excited, the people who work there are just lovely people who work so hard and I hope that I can help them out even if it is in a small way. I just cant wait to get started I get to work on a Press Release next month, and this just feel like the start of great things, I am going to get so much experience through this and meet people, and get to do some good. Its pretty perfect. 

The other Big thing that I have done to put myself out there and to get out of my comfort zone is that I have signed up with my friend to do a radio show, for the university Radio. As  you know by now I love music and I am so nervous and excited, we do our début show on Saturday, I am going to mess up, and there are going to be nerves and everything but it is so exciting that I don't care!! 

I still worry about absolutely everything, and have been getting upset more frequently lately, but I am also happy, being me and getting out there, talking to new people experiencing new things. I am not going to give up because that would be pointless If times get a little stressed and difficult I am going to Woman up and power through. Things are hard, and you are not going to like everything that happens, you are going to get angry, cry and just want to lock the world away. But the truth is we all do because life does that to us it backs us into a corner until we submit, but we don't have to we can push it out of the way ans say HEY this is the way I want things to go and I am going to make it happen. I am fed up of regretting 90% of the choices I make. So I am going to make those decisions for me and be happy about it!!

Here is the song for today!! Enjoy!

Till the next time!! 

Tough but Good times ahead.

Hello There!

I am still in a relatively good mood, and am excited about future prospects I have. However this doesn't mean that I will be in a good mood everyday. Tomorrow my classes start and I am not going to lie I am so scared. I have spent the past few months being down on myself, not being very motivated not being productive, and now tomorrow I just have to fall back into that same old routine.

I should never have fallen out of the routine in the first place, which I feel really guilty about that, because I shouldn't be this freaked out because I have done it all before. I guess I just feel a bit pathetic. Nonetheless I am trying so hard to keep thinking to myself that I can do this and that I am prepared to do these things. I guess its just daunting because it is the first week and I just have to fall back into it. Even though that may be a little difficult at first I am sure that I can get through it. 

There are lots of different worries floating around in the back of my mind, but like I said yesterday I am happier that I have been in a while, I am starting to worry more about the things that effect me day to day, rather than thinking too far ahead and panicking about things that I really have no control over. I know that this all sounds very cheesy, I am just trying so hard to keep this up and not let the stupid little things get in the way of me being happy. 

I still doubt myself sometimes, and I am pretty sure I have already pissed of my house mates a couple of times by saying negative things about myself. But I am gonna keep trying to work on those things. I am proud that I can try and help myself and open myself up. Things don't change overnight but I have already come so far in a week, who knows where I will be in a month or a year. But I just hope I remain happy and positive and try to put myself first. 

Sorry that this was short post but I didn't want to overload this just yet as there is lots and lots more to come! Here is the song for today,

Till tomorrow

HK. 

I am still Alive!

Hello There!!

So this week has been big and busy, but it has been a week to be proud of and I a proud of myself for this week. My posts will go back to being more regular because I am settled and have done all the hectic things which I am going to be talking about today!

So as you can hopefully tell I am in a very good mood because compared to last year I have thrown myself into everything and really tried to be active and put myself out there. Which at first was scary and still felt a bit anxious with speaking to new people but because I live with two lovely people who are my friends it is so much easier knowing that I have people in the same situation as me so they are happy to come along with things with me and visa versa. 

This week has been filled with freshers events, last year I did not engage at all I went to a few societies but I didn't really engage with anything, and like I said in previous posts I really wanted to change that this year be more positive about what I can do and just do it. This week has really proved to me that although I have ups and downs and obstacles to overcome in the grand scheme of things those obstacles can be dealt with and will not impact your life in such a dramatic way.

I have signed up to work with my University Radio station, which hopefully I can have a really active role with that because that excites me a lot. I also am already doing charity work,  I am helping a charity do some research, which is a bit daunting but it is keeping me busy, and I am also going to a session of swing dancing, which is something I thought I would never say but I love dancing, I used to do ballet, tap and modern and I just really need something that is exercise but its fun too, so I am going to try that and see how it goes! 

This week has been hectic busy, but it has been the most happy and productive I have been in a while and I just hope it gets better and better, Yes I am still scared and yes I am still worrying, but it is getting a lot easier to push those worries aside and focus on the bigger picture, Its after weeks like this that we can step back and say you know what maybe I can actually succeed, and I can do this or that. I am trying so hard not to doubt myself any more and keep positive I just hope I can keep it up.

The song for today is this :) enjoy. 

Till tomorrow. 

HK. 

I have Moved!

Hello there!

I am back and I have finally moved in to my new house and I am settled in, nearly. It is a great place and I hope I will be very happy here. It is simple inside but it has everything that I need and I just need to get a few more bits and bobs to make it look more like my home. But that shouldn't take too long.

My new bed! (Needs some cushions I think)

My desk!

I have made my mark in the living room I don't travel anywhere without them!

Safe to say that I am scared as fuck. I mean so the moving part is over but now I have to wait a week before lessons start, so basically I have a week to prepare and get myself motivated to start work  again! Also it is a lot of pressure, because I have built this up for so long and said to myself I am going to change and I am going to do things differently. But what if I just screw up again and not get it right. I know that I am over-thinking things again and worrying about things that I shouldn't be but that is just what I do!

I do have some idea of what I want to do all week but I think I am going to make an extensive list of practical things to do this week that will actually help me out for when I start lectures and lessons. Instead of just using this week as an extra reason to slob. I happy with my diet plan though, I say diet plan  its kind of a detox kind of a transition into being a pescatarian, which I am really optimistic about and think I can do!

I am going tot try and immerse myself into university life and also stay in contact with all the people that matter to me! including making new friends too hopefully. I am starting to feel a little more lonely but I think is just my brain panicking and trying to say look you need someone! But I am going to try do this on my own! (eek)

sorry this was a short post but I am back now! And here is the song for today :)

Till tomorrow! 

The Official End of My Summer.

Hello there! 

Well today has been stressful and hectic to say the least But the majority of my stuff is all packed, there are still bits and bobs we have to sort out in the morning before we get on the train. but its all pretty much packed and ready. Like yesterday though, despite the stress and issues we have been getting on with it with smiles on our faces

Of course I still have this sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach that everything is going to fuck up and everything will be a disaster...but I am trying so hard to avoid it and remain calm and think positive and just keep plodding on!

So it is safe to say that tomorrow is going to be stressful with a lot of travelling and lugging around bags, but like I said yesterday I am starting to feel a little less scared and more optimistic about moving in to my new place. The people who I am going to be living with are awesome and I think we are going to get on really well. I just hope I am not a nightmare to live with which I don't think I am but you never know. There are still a lot of worries I have, money being the main one at the moment. The issue being I have none yet so I am going to be struggling for a week and a bit. However this is nothing I am not used to I am good at planning money, well I try to be so I think I will be okay. Again I am trying to remain optimistic. What worries me more than money is probably me not stressing and panicing,, because I don;t want to piss my mum off and have an argument with her. Because it just isn't helpful so that is probably the main reason I am trying to bury all my worries and not let the bother me too much because I don't want to stress or panic my mum....so yeah you could say I am worrying about worrying...Good one Keeley. 

Anyway keeping in the positive spirit I am excited to get a new room, and when I get some money I am going to go on an etsy shopping spree and make it really pretty and a place that I want to be! So that is keeping me excited. I have also said previously and it sounds nerdy of me, but I am excited to get back to work, and I have already started thinking about how next week I can organise my work and get back into the swing of things which I can't wait for, because I need a routine back, I know sitting down all day on YouTube or watching TV sounds great but it really isn't great when that is all you are doing it is much better when it is a treat away from all the work. Which reminds me Doctor who starts in 4 days and I am so not prepared for that!

It is safe to say that I probably wont write a new post for a few days after I get settled and sort some stuff out, but my next post will hopefully a positive one in my brand new house, ready for my second year of university!

Till then enjoy this song! (very nostalgic)