Hello keeley

Hello Again,

It's been a while but I need to get back into this. 

I am now in my final year of Uni and that means I am busy, well, in theory, I am meant to be constantly working like everyone else is. 

But the truth is I could not be less motivated to do work. It is like I know the deadlines are getting closer and closer but I feel so far away from them. I am not even stressed exactly just down about having to do it. 

I am starting to worry that this is not just laziness or the typical student procrastination. I think I am just trying to prolong the inevitable - the end of university. 

I didn't have the greatest start to university and now feels like it is finally good and it's all ending and the truth is that I do not want it to end. I am gonna miss it. The problem is that by prolonging the inevitable I am leaving things to the last minute and it is making me act like I don't care which isn't true! 

I am just feeling the pressure of having to go out in the big wide world and not rely on the 'student' label to get me through, It is the fear that when I am no longer a student that I will just be stuck in a 9-5 job with no fulfilment, no down time. Which does not have to come true but it is always in the back of mind. I don't like change and I don't like things coming to an end. 

Most days I am really positive about it and trying to make a plan of where my life is going to go next but I have no motivation to act on all these plans in my head, because as soon as I act it means it's actually happening and I have to leave this huge part of my life. 

I don't know how to get motivation but I want to try, I care so much about doing well and proving the universe wrong that I came out of a rough patch and can do it, but sometimes I just have nights (like tonight) where I don't do anything and mindlessly watch random films and TV shows and drink half a bottle of wine....sad I know but we all have days like this, but it's how we get  out of them that determines how we are going to cope through life. 

So I will try not to get into a rut and over think it too much but it won't be easy. I have people in my life now that support me and make me happy but at these times I seem to push them away the most because I don't want to take up their time because they are going through exactly the same things but they have the getup and go to work every day. I need to take them as examples and have the same motivation that they have! 

Anyway not the most upbeat return to writing but this is what is going on in my life at the moment. 

Here's the song for the day. 

Till the next time...

HK