Stop Waiting! JUST DO IT!

Okay, back to the real talk, So yesterday I did remain in a pretty good mood all day I wasn't particularly productive, read some emails, put up another blog  post that hopefully was helpful to someone, and I spoke to a few of my friends. However like I mentioned yesterday I just have this constant nagging feeling in my brain. I have also been thinking a lot about the amount of stuff I should say to people then don't, or I just don’t speak to them at all...this then sends me into dark places where I start thinking about the people who are missing from my life, the people I don’t speak to enough and then end up pretty down on myself which isn't good.

I just hope I'm not alone in feeling this way, and most of the time I just feel like an awful person? I don't even know, I mean it’s not like I'm evil I don't go out of my way to hurt people, and I am a terrible liar. I just can't get that thought out of my head. One thing that sticks out for me that I can talk about now is the fact that sometimes I think I am a complete failure as a friend, Like I don't get this feeling all the time of course, but last year I shut myself away from the people I needed close and I think I haven't quite gotten used to not being in that frame of mind, it’s like there is always a barrier up with me and I don't know why, even with my friends who I have known for years and should know me I still feel like I hide too much of myself away from them, which I want to stop doing because I don't want to lose any of my friends, especially now I need them more than ever.

I don't know why it seems sometimes that I just make my life so much more difficult than it needs to be, and the worst part is I know I'm doing it. One minute I can think logically to myself ‘right Keeley get off your ass and do something!’ and the next minute I come up with an excuse to not do it. That’s the fear again, the fear that I will mess up or that I'm not good enough. I don't think there is a day I can go where I don’t worry about one thing or another, the worst part is sometimes it’s just me being cautious which is mostly a good thing and then it’s just restricting how I live my life day to day.

Nevertheless I think there are a lot of people out there who think from time to time that they are not good enough, or think I won’t text this friend if they wanted to speak to me they can. But If there’s one piece of advice I can give you and also to myself it’s just to reach out, if there’s someone you are holding back from talking to, but there’s an ounce of you that wants to know how they are Don't wait, because the longer you leave it the more hurt you will get. Just pick up your phone, or open Facebook, or whatever and just say Hi, The worst that will happen is that they don't reply, but then who's the douche you for trying or them for losing you? 

Anyway I am gonna try be productive today, kind of, I should be organising stuff ready for me to move out, but I still am finding it hard to think about that at the moment. 

oh! Also as I said previously Music, among other things helps me a lot so I am gonna start doing my song of the day, today its this, Enjoy. 

Till Tomorrow! :) 

IDEK! aka I'm just really confused.

23/08/2015

Hello there!

Last night I was pretty stuck on how I was feeling, i was confused to say the least. Before I go into this I just want to clarify that i'm just a 19 year old who is trying to figure themselves out, these posts some times may get a little heavy and sometimes may seem a little bit emotionally void but that's because I am trying to be as honest as I can be, in order to help myself and hopefully others along the way, because feelings and emotions are difficult, they are complex , so when you are going through all that plus trying to deal with everyday life sometimes it can just get a bit too much. Hopefully someone out there can identify with the feelings I am going through. Which at the moment is total confusion.

Anywho, back to the point. So last night I was just a bit perplexed shall we say? I couldn't figure out why I tried so hard during the day? What was I trying to accomplish? Was it to cheer my mum up? or Was it to cheer myself up? See i'm leaning towards the latter, despite it seeming selfish, thinking back to it and replaying situations in my head its like I would desperately try to cling on to any scrap of conversation so that I wouldn't be stuck with this sad silence. The more I think back the more I think was I actually feeling chirpy all day and night? The answer is no, to be honest towards the evening I felt quite drained. Confused yet? Because I know I am! I was convincing myself that I was in a good mood because I was trying so hard to be, and I think I have figured out why I did this, and why people do it everyday. Its to convince ourselves and everyone around us that we are OKAY. Its easier to say yeah I was pretty chirpy all day, instead of I was chirpy until I walked into my house, then it kinda got kicked out of me, then I was okay again, then I was panicky, then I felt like shutting the world away, then I was okay again..then I was tired.....Bit of a mouthful, so I plumped for the one I thought I was and tried to be all day, I'm not lying at all but everyone does this, and we do it because it's easy to do.

Despite all this I am still confused, I still am unsure about who I am, or better still who I am trying to be. I convince myself that I am happy and I am living my life for me, but then sometimes I feel like that I am doing everything wrong, that I am not a good person at all, and that I am not worth peoples time. It's like two different Keeley's, The positive, bubbly Keeley that gets excited about Doctor who and Cherry Coke. Then there's the negative Keeley, That puts herself down at every opportunity, that constantly worries about everything because she thinks she will mess up. Right now I think I am neither, I am in between them both...I'm trying to be positive about things to come, Moving in to my new place, seeing my friends. But I can't get excited, because I am also worrying about everything else, money, leaving family and friends, and also being thrown back into a social environment again. 

If you haven't seen inside out GO NOW it is incredible. But I think this Shows wonderfully how strange emotions are and how each one overlaps sometimes. (Side note- I don't own this image) 

But while writing this it has helped me to admit to myself that maybe I do act up a certain emotion just because its the easy thing to do, just because deep down sometimes we don't want someone to ask if we are okay, because we aren't. I don't think this is a bad thing, because I think that's just human nature, we solve problems however we can. Does this make me a dishonest person though? Am I hiding my true self away just for the sake of not kicking up a fuss?

We shall see...

till tomorrow....

Fear of Happiness?

Day 3: 22/08/2015

So, in my last post I was very analytical about my feelings, and it did help. It helped to deconstruct situations in way to help me think more about who I am as a person.

Anyway...as I said at the end of my last post I stayed at my friends house last night, and it was everything I described it as, it was just like nothing had changed like we were the happy-go-lucky people we always were, and we talked about lots of stuff too, and i'm going to say the cliche thing that talking to someone about stuff does help, loads, especially when that person is an old friend and instead of looking at you like you are insane they nod and agree with everything you are saying...that is a huge bonus.

When I stay at her house it is honestly like stepping into the past, The same place I have been coming for years. Last night was a lot different to the night previously, instead of awkward silences, and not having much to talk about me and my friend talked about anything and everything whether it be the existance of aliens, or how catastrophic it is that 50 shades of Grey actually exists (I'd much prefer if alien did.) Yes, these things aren't the most important things to me at the moment but I loved not worrying about what I was saying, not worrying if I was talking about me too much, or whether I can just be happy and not feel guilty about it.

 Which Brings me on to the following morning, or should i say afternoon...we woke up pretty late today.  So me and my friend woke up and I was super happy to have a few more hours at this haven, sounds silly calling it that but my friend used this phrase and it is completely correct her house is a sort of haven where I can just completely let go...But anyway back to the flipping point....whilst we were playing more games (Time splitters 2- if you haven't played it, you should.)  but it was different than the night before because I was worried about my mum, I was thinking I need to let her know what time i'd be home...because I knew she wanted to do something that afternoon, and no matter how much fun I was having I couldn't get this nagging feeling out of my head like she was gonna be annoyed with me, or like I was letting her down. I have no idea why I let this happen to myself I should of been thinking to myself my mum knows i'm here having fun i am not a child anymore I do not have to feel bad about having fun, but noooooo my brain likes to think the worst and make me feel guilty about not being there for my mum, and then I feel guilty for my friend who has invited me to her house and deserves my full attention ahh!! So its safe to say that I was not completely letting go as much as I should of been But I thank my Friend for inviting me to the Haven and I shall be going back soon hopefully!


I am not going to talk to much about when I got home...because it was neither good or bad, I mean I don't think my mum was happy anyway, so I don't think it was necessarily anything that I did wrong. However the change in mood when I stepped into my house was so apparent, I have been trying to be pretty chirpy all day, because I genuinely have been in a good mood, but the word try is important, I feel like I have been trying so hard today, and putting so much effort into the day getting involved, talking, helping out, but somehow I still don't think it was enough. And all day topics have come up about moving back to uni, and when it comes up its like my brain flinches its like SAY THE MINIMUM YOU CAN ABOUT THIS TOPIC, and thats a scary thing for me, I am still very very confused about how i'm feeling it's like i want everyone to be happy, but that doesn't include me because it scares me to mention the topics that make me happy incase I am being selfish, or i'm not taking other people's views into consideration. I;m not so sure what to do really.

Its not like I have massive problems in my life at the moment, but that doesn't mean life is an easy ride and I know its not going to be, not for a while at least, but i'm struggling with myself and i'd like to think that I am not the only one out there that shuts down some of their emotions to please other people, and there may be some people out there who say thats not healthy or you shouldn't do that for others, but everyone does it at one point in there lives, whether its acting fine when you are ill just so you don't let someone down or like me not mentioning certain things just to spare a person Whatever it is we all have our ways of not showing our true emotions, but at what point does it become about running away from you feelings, rather than face it head on?
Am I trying too hard to act like something I'm not? or is this me? hrmm

That's my queue to stay up for hours on YouTube...haha!
Till tomorrow ...

Am I selfish?

Day 2: 21/08/2015

So I am just going to dive straight into it. Yesterday I didn't speak to anyone, verbally until around four o'clock till my mum came home from work. I realised that unless I am seeing anyone outside of my house it means my first real conversation of the day will be with my mum, which I now realise is extremely problematic, if i'm worrying about something or find out some news the person I am going to tell is my mum, as soon as I see her, because its human nature we need someone to talk to it's just inevitable. But when we weigh in the factor that she's just had a stressful day at work and also wants to talk to me about stuff it turns into this conversational battle where we are fighting to talk about ourselves..,which seems selfish to me, but I don't think its just that I think that we both are relying on each other too much. I think this happens to a lot of people whether it be to our parents, a friend or a partner theres always that someone that you may overload with information because you trust completely in one person instead of trusting lots of people with different aspects of your life.

So all day yesterday this was going through my head whilst trying to figure out what I can do to not seem 'selfish' at the same time as still being me? So when my mum came home from work its safe to say I was not super enthusiastic or chatty, we talked about some stuff, but nothing worth noting, just the mundane what do you want for tea, and comments about TV shows.., to be quite honest it was like I was engaging but also trying to examine the whole situation as it was happening. I was forcing conversation, forcing myself to make funny comments. When in reality I had nothing to say at all. Don't get me wrong I wasn't acting, those opinions I had about those TV shows were mine, but I felt like I was just filling the room with random words just so it wouldn't be silent, and I couldn't help but think would i have more to say if i was talking about myself and the truth is YES, absolutely. 

On and off whilst this was going on I was messaging my Friend we weren't having a deep meaningful conversation just talking about Uni and Jobs, but just with those little messages I felt like I was at least talking about something that mattered? 

Anyway, I said Yesterday that I would do some research, nothing heavy, I just wanted to see what the perception of selfishness is, because in my view its something negative, when someone calls you selfish its an insult? But when some celebrity or beauty vlogger says you need to feel self-love its this positive holy grail trait we all need to have? But where is the line? when Does self love Turn into Selfishness? 

So of course, I turned to Tumblr...full of quotes and people sometimes sharing good things. 

To me both of these are positive outlooks on being selfish. Above embracing your faults including being selfish, below letting people be selfish so that they can help themselves instead of everything being handed to them. Like being selfish is like an extension of independence. 

But the definition of selfishness is when you to put it lightly fail at thinking of others.

So this hasn't helped much, I don't think that I spend my every waking hour thinking about myself, but that's what a selfish person would say I guess? But before googling what self love actually meant I thought it was actually liking yourself feeling good about yourself that's why before this I figured I was selfish because I don't really have the confidence or self esteem to be self-loving, but by this definition self-love seems to just be about being aware of what makes you happy, being aware of the things you need to do to get the most out of your life?

To be quite honest this has just made me more confused...I think I am both trying to be happy whilst worrying about everything going wrong, so I panic, stress out, make lists and plans to re-affirm to myself that I can do it, But whilst doing this I become wrapped in this cluster fluff of myself and every possible thing that could go wrong with my plans, so the cycle continues, and at the same time i'm trying to think of my mum and help out, and make sure I talk to my friends, and make time for everyone. 

I am staying over my friends later on, which is exciting because she is an old friend, and with her I feel like I can be my biggest self? that sounds strange but it's like we play games, we share our likes and dislikes free of judgement, free of responsibility, like at the core we haven't changed and we can just have guiltless fun. Like I don't know obviously what goes on in her life day by day but I feel like she worries about a lot less than me, that's not to say she has less worries just that I worry about everything, so when I go over to hers it's kinda like we are 15 again, and we can be silly without anyone telling us we have to grow up or be something other than ourselves.

Which is an exciting prospect to me. Especially now because I have been feeling far from me, whatever that means, hopefully it will give me insight into my fun side.

I will keep you updated...

Till Tomorrow. 

ME, MYSELF AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING FEELINGS.

20/08/2015: Day 1 : 

Emotionless Emotions.

context: I am back at Home for Summer from University. I had an arguement with my mum yesterday over something trivial but I started to think about things, so I thought I would start this, So lets go. 

After yesterday I just kind of feel empty like not numb because I kind of feel sad but then I’m  tying to be happy because I can’t be sad otherwise they will notice that something is up. I am okay I just feel like for the longest time I have had people telling me how to be me and I guess it’s gotten to the point now where I don’t know who I am, I thought I knew I was happy in myself feeling positive about how my life was going but now I'm not so sure. I wanted to talk to my friend yesterday but I didn't want to ruin their day and I also didn't really know what I was meant to say  -Hi Friend I'm emotionally unstable? Anyway...I haven’t spoken to anyone and I don’t think I can because I don’t want to be selfish (which is confusing the hell out of me.) And this Is why I have started this, Typing and hoping that I will find some answers I guess.

 I'm trying so hard to be happy and content but I keep thinking these bad thoughts, bad thoughts about myself who I am and whether if I am worthy of this life, which sounds incredibly bad but I think once in a while everyone gets down on themselves maybe not to this extent but nevertheless I do want these thoughts to go away because I know that’s not who I am, but it is hard to know what to believe anymore. 

Its seems like the people I care most about don’t like me completely flaws and all, but maybe I just have too many flaws? I don't know. Firstly my Ex, and especially my mum, it’s like she’s constantly mad at me because I'm not being me, well the me she knows at least? I mean I know that’s not true she is not constantly mad at me and she loves me but these are the thoughts going through my head.

 I don’t even know I'm just rambling, I know I messed up yesterday but I don’t know how to act now, I don’t know what I'm meant to say or do, in my head I am constantly just thinking of how to make everyone happy and that’s including myself but I can’t think like that anymore, I don’t think? I don’t know but I thought by writing this down I can be sort of be selfish through this so I'm not selfish IRL, I guess? I don’t know one minute everyone’s like think about you do what you need to do but I don’t think they really mean that anymore, I think what they should say is worry about yourself a moderate amount but then also think about how to remain happy, calm and free whilst worrying about others as well so you don’t look like a douche...Yeah Hopefully this little thing will help, 

Basically a journey of all my emotions.This isn't written well and it wont be because its just what I'm feeling at the time and a stream of consciousness. 

I will try to write this daily maybe a summary of how I'm feeling but also a commentary of how I should feel vs. how I actually do feel? That seems so stupid to write because I shouldn't have to feel anything, but then why do I feel like I'm feeling the wrong way all the time?

Damn that’s a lot of Feelings....

So today I think whilst trying to be completely sane and trying to feel the right things I'm gonna be thinking about what it means to be selfish? When are we being to selfish? When did selfish become a such a negative word...I shall do some research...

Until tomorrow